Paper Vivian and the Palace of Shadow
by thebandragoness
Summary: A quest to discover who she is and where she came from leads Vivian into the Palace of Shadow, the abandoned fortress of the destroyed Shadow Queen. But when Vivian and Goombella become locked inside the palace, will they be able to learn its ancient secrets, or will they be forever trapped within the palace walls? And is the Shadow Queen really as destroyed as they first thought?
1. In Search of Identity

_Ahem!_ Today… I'll tell you the story of the Palace of Shadow. This palace has become infamous among the people of Rogueport, but it was not always this way. Once, long ago, well before it was known as the Palace of Shadow, before even the Mushroom Kingdom claimed Rogueport's territory for its own, the palace was home to a family of monarchs. It was a massive structure taking up a fourth of the town, and it served as the residence of countless cooks, maids, guards, and, most importantly, the royal family – a king, a queen, and their beloved little princess. This family was the jewel of the ancient sea town. Their joy lifted the citizens' spirits.

Until one day the queen grew very sick. After that, the kingdom's jewel didn't shine quite so brightly. The king grew bitter, while the princess withdrew from the world altogether. It was as if a cloud of gloom had settled over the kingdom. What happened next is something that has remained a mystery to this day. At first, rumors spread around the cooks, maids, and guards, saying that the king and princess had been overheard having a heated argument.

And then… no more rumors spread. There was no one left to spread them. You see, this once-prosperous town is remembered now only for its destruction. In but a single night, the town was dragged into the depths of the earth by a terrible demon. A demon whose inky blackness could blot out the stars themselves. A demon whose name still brings nightmares to the heads of children and adults alike – the Shadow Queen.

Through her terrible powers, the Shadow Queen transformed the royal family's home into the Palace of Shadow. But eventually, as with all villains, the queen's reign was ended by a group of brave heroes. The demon was sealed away for a thousand years, until she was freed by… Well, you already know that story, don't you?

I'm not here today to tell you the story of how the Thousand-Year Door was opened. I'm here to tell you the story of one of the heroines who stood against the Shadow Queen. A heroine who was different from the others. A heroine whose bond with the Shadow Queen was closer than she could've ever imagined.

And I'm also here to tell you the story of a princess. A princess whose name was lost to history, buried beneath the earth. But could some trace of it still exist… within the palace…?

* * *

 _What's the earliest you can remember?_

This was a question Vivian often asked the people of Twilight Town. She'd gotten all the typical answers: a playground, a smiling mother, a crib… But when Vivian asked the question to herself, the only ever answer was darkness. Maybe a dim recollection of the scowling face of a slightly younger Beldam. But mostly darkness.

Vivian watched as a group of Twilighter kids scurried past, tossing a worn, Bully-hide kickball beneath the perpetual-evening sky. The children giggled and taunted and made the occasional oink at each other (Oinking had become something of an inside joke in Twilight Town). Currently, Vivian was hidden from sight within a puddle of darkness. She hadn't felt up to putting on makeup this morning, which meant that the outside world was _absolutely forbidden_ from seeing her face.

After a while, one of the children's mothers emerged from a nearby house and ordered them to quit the racket. Vivian found herself staring somewhat morosely at the woman. Once, years ago, Vivian had asked Beldam if the Shadow Sirens had a mother. It had seemed a reasonable enough question. After all, if Vivian had older sisters, then it followed that she also had a mother and father. And a grandmother and grandfather, maybe some aunts and uncles-

 _No, now stop asking ridiculous questions and do as I say!_ Beldam's reply stung as harshly now as it had years ago. Vivian hadn't asked again, even after her sisters' plans had been foiled and they promised to stop being mean. Vivian's adventure had helped her grow braver, but she hadn't grown _that_ brave.

Maybe Vivian was only depressed because she was bored. She could always get a job or something. Strictly speaking, Vivian was dirt poor. Nearly all the coins her party had earned during their quest had gone into healing items and badges. If Mario's adventures ever turned a profit, he wouldn't be unclogging toilets for a living.

But truth be told, Vivian didn't need the money. She'd eaten Zess T.'s cooking for the sake of recovering HP and FP in the heat of battle, but it turns out that people made of sentient, corporeal shadows don't actually _need_ to eat. And the Creepy Steeple didn't exactly charge rent.

As soon as the Twilighters were safely out of sight, Vivian emerged from her Shadow Veil and drifted towards home. Actually, despite the name, Vivian found the abandoned steeple far _less_ creepy than her previous place of residence. Before, the Shadow Sirens had lived in a house – or the remains of one, at least – in the ruins beneath Rogueport. It was especially unsettling now that Vivian knew exactly how those ruins had come to be. _Brr…_ And besides, the Creepy Steeple was full of Boos, so it was a lot less lonely. Most people were scared of Boos, of course, but Vivian didn't mind them. She could kind of relate, really.

Back in the ruins, whenever Vivian had wandered above ground, the people of Rogueport had been terrified of her. Living shadows had that effect on people. But that'd been before the- the, um… the- y'know, the… _the transition_. Nowadays, it was pretty hard to be scared by the adorable shadow witch with the stripy hat and the cotton candy hair.

Vivian drifted through the steeple and towards her bedroom. She greeted any Boos she passed, but most of them hid their face the instant she looked their way. Another trait Vivian could relate to…

Eventually, Vivian reached her destination. After checking for stray Boos, she shut the bedroom door behind her and undressed – which, in Vivian's case, meant only removing her hat and gloves. She couldn't help but breathe a content sigh as she took in her room. It was far nicer than her last bedroom, that's for sure. There was plenty of open space for her bed, her dresser, her poster of the Great Gonzales shirtless…

But the piece of furniture that commanded Vivian's attention the most was the dresser's mirror. Vivian retrieved her makeup kit and set to work putting on her face. Vivian might not have had much money, but she had plenty of makeup and cute outfits. Most of it had been donated to her by an overly enthusiastic Madam Flurrie. Vivian supposed this was another reason she might need a source of income, but she wasn't really sure it was worth holding down a job solely for the sake of buying fashion accessories. She could afford that stuff by hitting her head on a brick a couple times.

Vivian did the finishing touches with a thin line of yellow lipstick, and then she inspected herself carefully. She'd gotten a bit chubbier now that her adventuring days were over, but all in all Vivian was cute as ever. Her body was composed of the same shifting shadows, colored in with dark purple marker, and her hair was the same shade of pink as always, done with colored pencil. Vivian absently straightened a crease in her hair before moving on from the mirror – an act that involved spinning her entire body on its axis.

Vivian was hardly even conscious of her two-dimensional nature, though. To put it simply, when you live in a world made entirely of paper, you kinda stop noticing after a while. In Vivian's world, "paper" was basically a synonym for "matter."

A few months back, there'd been a strange incident in Decalburg in which the town was suddenly sucked into the sky. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt, but afterward the townsfolk had all sworn up and down that their entire world was actually contained within a three-dimensional storybook. Said storybook existed in a three-dimensional world where hardly anything was made out of paper, and the book was kept in the castle attic of a three-dimensional Princess Peach. But Vivian wasn't sure if she believed this. The idea that all of reality was held inside a fragile little book… that their whole world could be snuffed out by someone lighting the book on fire or flushing it down the toilet or something? Kinda morbid. Then again, Mario and Peach had insisted it was true, and Vivian was inclined to trust everything Mario said.

After all, Mario had been the first person to ever be truly kind to Vivian. The first person to act charming and interesting and have big, strong arms made tough from years of lifting plungers… legs strengthened from years of jumping… and that mustache. Ohhhhh, that mustache. Vivian could practically feel it tickling her lips.

"It's-a me, Mario!" A fat Italian man sprang out from behind the bedroom curtains. "Vivian, let's-a go on a date!"

" _Wha-?_ " Vivian promptly tripped over herself, sending makeup cases every which way. She knelt down to retrieve them, and when she looked back up, the smiling Italian man had been replaced by a grinning Duplighost. " _Doopliss_." It wasn't entirely clear if Vivian had any facial features behind her curly bangs, but it certainly _sounded_ like she was rolling her eyes. "That's not funny."

"It would be if you coulda seen your face!" Doopliss erupted into another fit of howling laughter.

Like all Duplighosts, Doopliss appeared to be nothing more than a cheap Halloween costume, a plain white bedsheet draped over a young child. However, pieces of the fabric appeared to have been cut out to form a spooky face. These peepholes betrayed the fact that there _was_ no child beneath the sheets, only a dim, blood-red glow where the eyes should be. Of course, what distinguished Doopliss from his spectral brethren was the trademark party hat on his head. "Freak-in-a-sheet" was one of the more charitable names Beldam had called him...

"Don't you know it's rude to sneak into a lady's bedroom?" Vivian hurriedly retrieved her hat and gloves while she waited for her cheeks to cool down. "And aren't you supposed to be with Flurrie's theater troupe right now?"

"Yeah, but their new play is based on the time Mario saved the Sticker Festival." Doopliss shrugged, an act which caused his sheet to bob. "It sounded super dumb and boring, so I decided to head back to the old homestead for a while. You been keeping my room tidy? Taking care of my bird?"

"Um, sure." Technically, setting that poor parrot free counted as "taking care" of it. "Don't you have anyone else to bother?" Vivian wasn't Doopliss's biggest fan after what he did to Mario. Unfortunately, Doopliss's family had owned the Creepy Steeple for generations, so he wasn't about to move out, and Vivian's sisters seemed to like it here, so Vivian was basically stuck with him. Well, Vivian supposed she could always move out herself, but the mere thought of living alone turned the pit of her stomach ice cold.

"No one cute enough, no." Doopliss gave a painfully unsubtle wink before finally heading for the door. Vivian's face went crimson in spite of herself. Doopliss was being facetious. He had to be. He must've noticed that Vivian's hair was a touch too thin at the top of her head and that her hands were slightly larger than they ought to be and- and her voice was a note too deep and-

"Man, it's kinda dull around here," Doopliss remarked right before shutting the door behind him. "I oughtta take a vacation one of these days..."

 _That_ snapped Vivian out of her funk. Of course, it was so obvious! She threw her hat and gloves back on, then ran downstairs. Well, it'd be more accurate to say she _floated_ downstairs. Vivian didn't have legs so much as a single shadow-tendril that tethered her to the ground.

After rushing past a few Boos and ducking through some trapdoor shortcuts, Vivian emerged into the kitchen. Back before the steeple had been abandoned, this was where Doopliss's ancestors had prepared the grape juice and crackers for every Sunday service (That wasn't a part of the Duplighosts' religion or anything. They just liked to snack).

As Vivian had suspected, her sisters were still floating by the dining table. Marilyn had spent the past half-hour trying to feed Beldam a bowl of hot soup, but Beldam wasn't exactly cooperating.

Vivian couldn't help but get butterflies in her tummy every time she neared her sisters. The family resemblance was unmistakable. They were all three shadow-people with faces hidden behind their bangs, and they even all had matching hats and gloves, with Marilyn's and Beldam's sporting yellow and blue stripes respectively. She'd been dressing out for years now, but Vivian still felt a swell of euphoria from being allowed to wear the same clothes as her sisters. They looked adorable together. "Shadow Beauties" really would've been a more apt name than "Shadow Sirens," but Vivian had given up trying to push the issue.

The only major difference between the sisters was that Vivian was of an average body type, whereas Beldam was rail thin and Marilyn was… healthier. Age-wise, Marilyn was the middle-aged one, Vivian was the cute young one, and Beldam was the wrinkled hunchbacked one. It was a classic mother-maiden-crone dynamic – though unfortunately, the Winkybunion sisters had totally stolen the Shadow Sirens' thunder in that department.

Beldam snorted at Vivian's arrival. She'd been a bitter old lady for as long as Vivian could remember, but lately, this trait had become more pronounced than ever. Beldam was no longer thin, she was _skeletal_. Her gaunt face was barely visible beneath her hat anymore, and she was so hunched over that her nose practically dragged the ground. Vivian hated to admit it, but the only reason Beldam was acting marginally less horrible was because of the looming threat of physical violence from Vivian's new friends. They'd defeated Beldam's mistress, after all, so what chance did poor old Beldam have? Evidently, that realization had sent Beldam into a spiraling fit of depression and suppressed rage. Beldam had spent the entirety of her millennium-long life trying to open the Thousand-Year Door and unleash the apocalypse. Without that, she'd simply let herself wither away to nothing.

And so, despite their harsh treatment over the years, Vivian and Marilyn were genuinely worried for Beldam. Marilyn had basically taken it upon herself to become Beldam's personal nursemaid – hence the bowl of Cucco noodle soup she was currently forcing down her big sister's throat.

"Marilyn? Beldam?" Vivian drifted towards the table, making her voice as sugary possible.

"What do you want?" came Beldam's reply, followed by "I mean, what can we do for you, my lovely?" after a nudge from Marilyn.

"Well, I feel like we've all been a little restless lately," said Vivian, idly curling a strand of hair around her finger. "We don't know what to do with ourselves, and we're getting cabin fever cooped up in this steeple all the time. How would you feel about going on a vacation? It'd be just us Shadow Sirens spending quality time together!"

"Ooh! A vacation?" Doopliss poked his pasty white head through doorway. "I'm an honorary Shadow Siren! Can I come-?"

He was met with a simultaneous reaction of "No!" from Vivian and Beldam and "Guh!" from Marilyn.

"Aww…" Doopliss slinked off down the hallway, head drooping.

"So what do you think?" Vivian turned back to her sisters. "Doesn't that sound fun? Twilight Town is so gloomy. We should go somewhere sunny like Sarasaland or Isle Delfino-"

" _No, I hate traveling_." The violence of Beldam's reply sent her into a coughing fit.

"But- But Beldam-" Vivian was taken aback. Great, now she had to fight to keep her lip from quivering. "If you would only give it a chance-"

"I don't _want_ to give it a chance!" snapped Beldam, sitting up from the table. "We're shadows. We don't belong in the sunlight, of all places!"

"Guh!" said Marilyn. She, um, wasn't the most articulate of the Shadow Sirens.

" _I am NOT sulking,_ _Marilyn_ _!_ " Beldam swung her arm, spilling hot soup all over the carpet. Marilyn cried out and impulsively ran for some paper towels, leaving Beldam free to float for the exit. As she was leaving, she muttered, " _We weren't created to go on vacations..._ " under her breath.

Vivian's purple ears perked up. "Really? Then what _were_ we created for?"

" _Never you mind that!_ " The door slammed shut in Vivian's face. For a moment, Vivian simply stared at it. Then she took a breath, wiped her cheeks, and went over to help Marilyn clean up the mess. Dang it, Vivian had _just_ put on this make up. She didn't need to let herself mess it up so quickly...

All Marilyn could offer was an apologetic, "Guhhh..."

"I'll be alright, sis." Vivian sighed. All things considered, that'd gone quite well. In the old days, Beldam would be dishing out the nastiest punishments imaginable right now. Like, this one time, Beldam had forced Vivian to scrub the entrance pipe to the Pit of 100 Trials until it no longer smelled like death. Vivian's arms still ached at the thought of it (No, Beldam's punishments had never involved physically abusing Vivian. If they had, Goombella would've lost her mind and absolutely refused to let Vivian keep staying with her). But somehow, even if they hadn't been forcing Beldam to be nice now, Vivian got the feeling Beldam no longer had the energy for punishments.

Still, though, that last comment Beldam had made… Well, Beldam may have often accused Vivian of being a ditz, but that comment had really gotten Vivian's gears turning.

* * *

The underground ruins of Rogueport were eerie, but the aboveground town put Vivian even more on edge. The number of pedestrians out on the streets made her head spin. Vivian's every impulse told her to hide in her Shadow Veil, but she'd never reach her destination if she spent all day hiding. She had to suck it up and keep moving.

Funnily enough, Vivian was more concerned with her social anxiety than with the fact that Rogueport boasted the highest larceny rates in the Mushroom Kingdom. In fact, the only Bandit that Vivian had bumped into had sped right past her (Meanwhile, in a nearby alleyway, Swindell the Bandit was lamenting the fact that Vivian's billfold was empty).

It was a thankfully short walk to Vivian's destination. The sewer's exit Warp Pipe let out right next to the building. And Vivian had remembered to write her name on the inside of her hat, which for some reason was required to use the pipe out of Twilight Town.

 _Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump_. Vivian pounded somewhat impatiently on the door. It was made of solid cardboard, so it was slightly more percussive than regular doors, put you still had to knock pretty hard to make any sound. One of the many drawbacks to living in a paper world.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," came a small voice from the door's other side. "Keep your knickers on. Working a doorknob isn't exactly easy when you don't have any arms or-" The door swung open. "Oh, well if it isn't Miss Vivian!"

You'd be forgiven for thinking the man at the doorway was a gigantic Dried Shroom wearing swirly glasses, but he was actually an elderly Goomba. Professor Frankly's face lit up as he ushered Vivian inside. "What can I do for you, little lady?"

"Oh, I'm not sure, really. I guess I was just..." Vivian glanced away, face flushing. "...wondering who I _was_ , exactly. You're a scientist, right? I was hoping you could help me figure it out. I've never met any other shadow-people besides my sisters." Actually, Vivian had gotten all exited thinking Mario was a shadow-person when she first met him, but it'd turned out he was just your average everyday human being who could jump super high and had his body stolen by a Duplighost. Garden variety stuff.

"Ah, yes, the search for identity! One of the core tenements of philosophy." As he spoke, Frankly sifted through the piles of books on the floor to reach a small kettle of tea. Professor Frankly's house was a pitifully small, enclosed space, every cubic inch of which was covered in volume after volume of scholarly research. There was, however, a tiny piece of the house reserved for a stove top, upon which rested some boiling water. It just hadn't been visible in the original video game because of the fixed camera angle and stuff.

Frankly offered Vivian a cup, which she accepted. Vivian had once asked Goombella how exactly Goombas were able to hold things without any limbs, but Goombella had said she tried not to think about it too hard.

"The questioning of identity is an integral part of adolescence." Frankly nodded approvingly as he sipped his tea. Vivian sipped hers, too, then made a face and stealthily poured the rest into a nearby potted plant. "Why, I remember when I was a lad, bemoaning my status as a lowly Goomba, draft-dodging my way out of Bowser's army. In fact, this one time, I-"

"Does that mean you know what species I am?" cut in Vivian. "Do you know who created me, or if I have any other family, or-?"

"Oh, yes, that." The question seemed to shake Frankly back into reality. "Well, Miss Vivian, as fate would have it… I HAVE NO IDEA!"

Vivian promptly performed an anime-style face fault.

"I'm an archeology professor," Frankly continued. "So unless you're actually an ancient fossil, I'm afraid I can't be of much help to you. Of course, in my studies of the Thousand-Year Door, I've often wondered how Beldam came into the Shadow Queen's service, but Beldam's refused to answer any of my questions." He gave Vivian a hopeful look behind his swirly glasses. "You wouldn't happen to know how your sisters met the Shadow Queen or how they came into possession of her map, would you?"

Vivian picked herself off the floor, then shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry. I'm so much younger than Beldam, and she'd been trying to open the Thousand-Year Door for my and Marilyn's entire lives. Beldam never answers my questions, either." Vivian clutched her temple. "The farthest back I remember, we were living in the ruins beneath Rogueport." She let out a heavy sigh. "Sorry for bothering you, Professor. I guess I'll be on my way..."

But before she could make for the door, Frankly blocked her path. Vivian got the idea that he would've put a hand on her shoulder if he actually had any. "Now don't be too hasty, Miss Vivian. I may not be able to help you… but I have a colleague who can."

* * *

The tissue paper waves flapped violently in the winds. The sea was exceptionally stormy tonight (Unbeknownst to the residents of the paper world, there was a slight draft coming from the three-dimensional Princess Peach's attic). But Vivian couldn't let her fears get the better of her. No matter the size of the waves, she _had_ to get to Toad Town. That's where she would find the answers to questions she'd been asking herself her entire life.

Vivian felt guilty about using her Shadow Veil to stowaway on a ship, but she didn't have time to save up money for a ticket, and she didn't want to trouble Admiral Bobbery. Within the dark dimension of the Veil, Vivian took a steadying breath. She desperately wished that Mario, Goombella, and the others could've been here, but Vivian had to learn to stand on her own. She could do this. She could do this.

And so young Vivian set sail for Toad Town… blissfully unaware of the horrifying revelation awaiting her.


	2. Inner Demons

When it came to looking quaint and adorable, Toad Town could give Petalburg a serious run for its money. Both consisted of grassy, flower-filled fields and tiny, unassuming houses. The difference was, while Petalburg held only a handful of citizens, Toad Town was overflowing. It had to have as many if not more residents than Rogueport, and yet Vivian felt far more at ease here. This was probably because Toad Town's streets were free of litter, its walls were free of graffiti, and it had a color palette that didn't consist of brown and more brown. In fact, the town kind of hurt to look at. After living in Twilight Town for so long, Vivian had forgotten towns could be _bright_.

Of course, gorgeous as this place was, the drawback was that Vivian was totally lost. She hated to admit it, but Vivian was going to have to ask for directions… _from a stranger_. Everybody looked friendly enough, but- but what if they thought Vivian was weird? They'd probably never seen a living shadow before, and Vivian was so much taller than all the Toad women here, and- and-

Vivian forced herself to take a steadying breath, then approached a random group of people. There were about a half dozen of them, all loitering in front of a building labeled _Club 64_. As its name suggested, Toad Town was inhabited almost exclusively by Toads (the humanoid mushroom kind, not the amphibian kind), though there were a handful of more obscure species like Doogans.

The group Vivian had approached, though, was comprised only of Toads. Most of them were sporting plain blue vests and white, mushroom-shaped caps with red spots, though there were a couple more unique-looking Toads. For instance, the Toad in the center of the group had a hand-knitted sweater, long hair, and a mushroom cap with a cool, multicolored design.

"You know," he was saying to his friends, "I was thinking of shaving my head and then trading my clothes for a plain blue vest and a white cap with red spots. What do you guys think?"

"Great idea, Travis T.!" There was a nod of approval from the other Toads.

"You'll look amazing."

" _Super_ fashionable."

"Um, excuse me?" It was at this point that Vivian finally managed to catch the fungi's attention. Her voice was a note deeper than she'd have liked, a problem Vivian had learned to circumvent by never speaking above a whisper. "I was looking for a laboratory..."

* * *

As it turned out, the lab of Professor Frankly's colleague was technically _not_ located in Toad Town. In fact, it wasn't even located in the Mushroom Kingdom. But there was, however, a Warp Pipe in Toad Town that led straight to it. When you live in a society with widespread, short-range teleportation technology, it's a trivial distinction.

The moment she emerged from the pipe and took in her new surroundings, Vivian eased up. Evershade Valley was, predictably, a jagged valley trapped in perpetual shadow. Nothing against Toad Town, but this valley was more Vivian's speed. It was like Twilight Town, but with less people. There were a couple ghosts floating around, but they seemed friendly enough.

From where the pipe let out, it was only a couple yards to her destination. Vivian rapped on the laboratory door. She didn't know who she'd expected to answer it, but a talking suitcase wouldn't have been her first guess.

"Why, hello there." The suitcase's face was on the side of its body, so it had to turn itself lengthwise to face her. "Miss Vivian, I presume?"

"Um, y- yes, that's right." Vivian tugged the rim of her hat farther over her own face. It'd be pretty hypocritical of her to stare at strange people.

"Excellent. Frankly explanified everything to us over email." The suitcase ushered her inside, walking with the help of some cute red shoes stuck to the bottom of its body. "Right this way, please. The professor is expecting you."

The suitcase led Vivian into a vast room filled with more bizarre mechanical doohickeys and doodads than she could comprehend. Gee whiz, this lab was bigger than Frankly's entire house.

"Our guest has arrived, Professor E. Gadd."

Said professor was seated at a nearby computer with an enormous monitor, but he turned to smile at their arrival. You could tell he was a friend of Professor Frankly's because they both had the exact same swirly glasses. E. Gadd was a human being, though nowhere _near_ as hunky as Mario. Vivian did _not_ have a thing for shriveled old midgets with a single tuft of hair sticking vertically off their heads.

"Thank you, Stuffwell," said E. Gadd, absently straightening his standard-issue white labcoat. "That will be all for now." Actually, what he said was, " _Yabboh yabboh._ _Cha cha cha-cha!_ " but luckily there were some helpful subtitles to translate.

"Happy to be of service, professor." And with that, Stuffwell marched back up the stairs, but not before yelling, "BACK TO WATCHING TV!" in a booming voice.

"So, missy, I hear you want to learn more about who you are and where you came from." E. Gadd idly sipped a cup of Starbeans coffee, all the while staring at Vivian with those giant, swirly lenses. Vivian had the uncannny feeling she was a slide of bacteria being examined under a microscope. "Frankly and I have been trading notes over my new patented communication device, the 2SpookyDS." He retrieved said device from his coat pocket. It consisted of two screens stacked vertically, though they didn't appear to fold shut or anything.

"T-Trading notes?" The butterflies in Vivian's tummy did not appreciate this.

"Why, yes. And that young lad Mario's told me quite a lot about you, as well."

The butterflies went into a frenzy. " _Mario? He talks about me?_ " Vivian hoped to the stars that E. Gadd's glasses were tinted so he couldn't see the color of her face right now.

"Of course he does. He told me all about you. You're quite a fascinating specimen, if you don't mind me saying." E. Gadd smiled blissfully to himself. "I already have several theories about your species. You see, my passion is the study of paranormal creatures – though ghosts are my specialty."

"So I take it I'm _not_ a ghost?"

E. Gadd chuckled at this. "Heavens no, Miss Vivian! Ghosts are the lingering essence of people who've died." He gave her a look. " _You've_ never died, have you?"

"O-Of course not." Actually, Vivian had briefly died several times over, but Mario had always kept plenty of Life Shrooms on hand. "I just get along well with ghosts, is all..."

"Well, your species does have much in common with them," E. Gadd continued. "You are a spectral being, but if my theory is correct, your body isn't composed of undead energy. No, it's composed of something else entirely..."

And then the unthinkable happened. The thing Vivian had prayed she wouldn't have to face today. E Gadd reached into a drawer and pulled out… a syringe. "Mind if I take a sample?"

Vivian swallowed. Her gaze seemed permanently fixed upon the needle's edge. "N-Not at all."

"Alrighty, then." E. Gadd hopped out of his chair and waddled his way across the lab. "Any medical info I ought to be aware of first?"

"I..." Vivian's face flushed. When you're dealing with medical professionals, it's very, very important to be honest with them, even when it comes to sharing personal details. "I've been, um, taking estroplasm for about a year now."

"The spiritual essence of femininity extracted from female ghosts?" Luckily, E. Gadd seemed distinctly unperturbed by this. "Yes, yes, that would be compatible with your biology, wouldn't it…?"

After that, the subject was abruptly dropped. Vivian would let him put the pieces together himself.

"Now hold still, please."

Vivian held her breath and counted the ceiling tiles. After a dizzying few seconds, the syringe emerged, now housing a small chunk of disembodied darkness. There was no need for a bandage, as Vivian's shadows quickly filled the hole in her arm.

E. Gadd plugged the syringe into one of his strange devices, clacked his bony fingers over a keyboard, and a minute later let out a triumphant, "Ah ha!"

"What is it?" Vivian floated over to the monitor.

"My theory was correct!" E. Gadd proudly gestured to some readings up on the screen. "Your body is made of dark matter."

Vivian failed to share in the excitement. "Well, I _am_ a shadow-person, so that makes sense. But, err, what exactly _is_ dark matter?"

"Well, it's kind of a- Here, take a look at this." E. Gadd foraged through his drawers to retrieve a beaker. Said beaker contained a shiny, soft-looking, ridged object that glowed a brilliant yellow. It kinda looked like a giant piece of candy. "I held onto this from the last Star Festival. It's a Star Bit, and it's composed of pure light matter." He turned back to Vivian. " _Your_ body, on the other hand, is composed of pure dark matter."

Vivian's face remained perfectly blank. "I… see."

"Light and dark matter are fundamental building blocks of the universe, but they're also diametrically opposed forces. Light matter is a nurturing energy channeled by beings such as the Lumas and Star Spirits, whereas dark matter is more… volatile." E. Gadd's hesitation was palpable.

" _Volatile?_ " Vivian gave a start.

"Yes, I'm afraid that dark matter has been utilized for destruction in the past." E. Gadd counted off on his fingers. "Bowser's Koopa Troop harvested it from the center of the universe during the Star Festival incident, and I theorize the Chaos Heart, that terrible artifact used by Count Bleck and Dimentio, was fueled by concentrated dark matter as well."

Vivian swallowed in spite of herself. The "Count Bleck" ordeal had gone down in infamy within the Mushroom Kingdom, mostly because it meant that Bowser was now legally Princess Peach's ex-husband. It'd been quite a scandal.

"But… But how can an entire _person_ be made of this dark matter?" Vivian gaped at her own torso, as if the dark matter might jump out at her any moment now.

"Yes, I was getting to that." E. Gadd cleared his throat. "In all my years of paranormal research, I've only ever come across one race composed of pure dark matter. And so, Miss Vivian, I can quite confidently announce that you are not a ghost, but in fact… a demon!"

E. Gadd put on a big, dumb smile. He looked quite pleased with his deduction. Vivian, on the other hand, felt faint.

"There- There must be some mistake," she sputtered, drawing back. "I can't be a demon. Demons are evil and- and dangerous! The Shadow Queen was a demon, and she dragged a whole town into the earth. I'm not like that! I'd never destroy _anything!_ "

Vivian frantically waved an arm… which inadvertently caused some nearby lab equipment to spontaneously combust.

"Whoa Nelly! Careful there, missy!"

" _Oh gee w_ _h_ _iz, I'm so sorry-!_ "

The fire immediately started spreading to anything flammable, which was, well, literally everything in their entire world. Luckily, before all of creation could burn down, E. Gadd grabbed a strange device off the shelf – a water tank with a yellow bicycle horn at the top, from the looks of it – and extinguished the flames.

"Gosh, I'm sorry, professor." Now Vivian _really_ hoped E. Gadd's glasses were tinted. It took everything she had not to dive into her Shadow Veil, both to hide from her shame and to avoid the overpowering stench of burnt paper. "I didn't mean to cast a Fiery Jinx. I usually have better control of my magic than that..."

"Not to worry, missy." E. Gadd chuckled pleasantly as he returned the water-sprayer to the shelf. "That's why I keep F.L.U.D.D. handy."

"I am happy to be of assistance, professor." The device spoke out of the bicycle horn part, which was apparently its head.

"I'm such a ditz." Vivian buried her face in her hands. "All you did was try to help me, and how did I repay you?" She peeked out at the lab from behind her fingers. Where there had once been beautiful, clean lab equipment, there were now only scraps of blackened paper. "I… I won't bother you anymore, professor. I'm sorry."

"Miss Vivian, wait, it's alright-!"

But the demon was gone before he could stop her.

* * *

That, uh, that thing about Vivian being a demon and all? That was the horrifying revelation that had awaited her last chapter. Was that clear enough? Cool, cool. Great.

Well, it's great for fans of emotional drama, but it wasn't so great for Vivian herself. She was exhausted, her throat ached, and she felt like a total idiot for even bothering to come all the way out here. Why did she have to do this to herself? She could've simply lived the rest of her life in Twilight Town, blissfully unaware of her true nature. That's why Beldam had never told Vivian what the Shadow Sirens really were before. She hadn't wanted to upset Vivian.

All Vivian had truly wanted was to know if she had any more family besides her sisters. But she hadn't wanted that family to be the _Shadow Queen_.

And now, on top of all that, Vivian had come _here_ , of all places? What was wrong with her? This was only going to make her even more upset, and yet… and yet, after everything that'd happened, now more than ever, Vivian wanted nothing more than to be with the person who lived in this house. It was a quaint little house, like all the residences in Toad Town. Vivian had never actually been here before, but it hadn't been difficult to locate the address. A celebrity lived here, after all.

Vivian took a deep, deep breath, then knocked on the door. She hoped to the stars that he answered soon. It was pouring icy rain out here, which made everything all heavy and distressingly easy to tear.

But Vivian hadn't even finished knocking when the door swung open. For a moment, her heart skipped a beat… until Vivian realized that the man at the door wasn't the one she'd been longing for. It was just his weird green cousin.

"H-Hello there." The man seemed taken aback.

He was obviously trying to copy Mario's fashion sense, except that this guy was taller and thinner, he wore green instead of red, and, worst of all, his mustache was groomed differently. That pretty much completely ruined things for Vivian. She couldn't find this guy even the slightest bit handsome.

"Oh, I know you!" The man blinked in surprise. "You're one of Mario's friends from Rogueport!"

Vivian did seem to vaguely remember Mario's group bumping into this guy a couple times, now that he mentioned it. Every time, he'd rambled excitedly about how he was fixing a broken pocket watch or compass or something. Vivian hadn't honestly been paying attention. What was this guy's name again? Vivian's gaze traveled to the green letter emblazoned on his cap. It was… Loogie, wasn't it? Yeah, that sounded right.

"Hello. Is Mario home?" Vivian tried her best to sound like her emotional state wasn't completely riding on the answer to that question.

"I'm-a sorry, you just missed him." Loogie gave her an apologetic smile. "My bro left for Prism Island a little while ago with Princess Peach and Generic Red Toad Number Eight Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy-One. I was thinking of heading out to that island myself, actually..."

The only part of that Vivian heard was, " _My bro left for Prism Island a little while ago with Princess Peach. My bro left with Princess Peach. Left with Princess Peach. Left with_ _Princess_ _..._ "

Left with Princess Peach? As in, Princess Peach, the dazzling blonde beauty whose hands were small and dainty, whose voice was high and soft, whose body was professionally painted in with tasteful watercolors and pastels, not some sloppy marker scribbles and cheap colored pencils? The woman who was the epitome of femininity to all who gazed upon her? The women who would forever and always be remembered as Mario's absolutely indisputable true love? _That_ Princess Peach?

"Princess Peach? She's a sweet lady." Vivian gave the tightest smile of her life. "She and Mario make a nice couple." This must've been what it felt like to be a shaken soda bottle whose lid was screwed on way too tight.

"Why, err, why don't you come inside?" Apparently, it'd taken Loogie a minute to notice how hard it was raining.

A minute later, Vivian was seated on Mario's couch, wringing out her hat into a bucket that'd been placed down to catch a drip in the ceiling. Not to sound too stalker-ish, but even being in the house of her beloved plumber was enough to lift Vivian's spirits. This place reminded Vivian why she loved Mario so much. It was small and unassuming, just like him. A simple one-story house, decorated with a slight red-and-green motif.

It was a far cry from Poshley Heights, that was for sure. Rumor had it that Princess Peach had gifted Mario with a huge tract of land, fittingly named Mario Land, complete with its own castle, and yet Mario still chose to live here in Toad Town.

"I'd have thought the home of a super star like Mario would be swarming with paparazzi," Vivian said aloud, "but it's peaceful here. He's so humble."

Loogie cleared his throat. "You know, _I'm-_ _a_ pretty humble, myself..."

"Mmm?" Vivian did her best to pretend she was listening.

"I've got a mansion that's _way_ nicer than this crib, but I still choose to live here." Loogie folded his arms. "I guess I'm just a simple, down-to-earth kinda guy. In fact, I've always thought of myself as a..."

Loogie's voice became a pleasant hum in the back of Vivian's head as she took in the Mario Brothers' living room. When she got to the desk, she did a double-take a sprang out of the couch.

"Oh, it's us!"

"-been go-karting since I was a baby- Err, what?"

Loogie follwed Vivian's gaze to one of the framed pictures resting on the desk. It was the whole group – Goombella, Koops, Flurrie, Bobbery, Ms. Mowz, ( _insert baby Yoshi's name here_ ), and, of course, Vivian herself. Look at how big she'd been smiling when they took this. It was the happiest Vivian had been in years. But… it'd been ages since the last time the whole group had been in one place together.

Vivian's gaze shifted to the second framed photo on the desk. This one depicted a whole other party. The only person Vivian recognized was Lady Bow, since Vivian's group had run into her at Poshley Heights once. The rest were strangers.

The house had started to warm her up from the rain, but now Vivian felt freezing cold again. Of course. Vivian may have been Mario's friend, but he had countless numbers of those. Vivian wasn't special to him. Not the way he was to her. But Vivian had known that for a long time. She forced herself to turn away from the photos. Why did she have to torment herself like this? Why couldn't she let go of Mario and be happy without him?

"So, uh, what brings you all the way from Rogueport?"

Vivian gave a start – She'd completely forgotten Loogie was in the room. "Well, I- I guess I wanted to go on vacation, but my sisters didn't want to come with me, so I ended up here all by myself." That technically wasn't a lie. "And then it started pouring rain, so..." Vivian laughed at her own expense. "...not the best vacation ever."

Loogie nodded solemnly. "I know that feeling. One time, Princess Peach invited Mario to go to Isle Delfino with her, but she didn't invite old Weegee." He shared in Vivian's laughter. "That's okay, though. I _like_ lounging around the house… by myself… for weeks on end."

For the first time, Loogie caught Vivian's full attention. She gave a faint smile, floated over to him, and then gently placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I, err, I've spent a lot of time alone, too." She glanced away. "Once, my sisters left me at home for a week while they had an important meet-up with these X-Naut people, and- and I ended up spending the whole time watching these goofy Let's Play videos by the Game Goombas – Do you know them?"

Loogie's face lit up. "Yeah! They're my favorite! I like their joke about it being a fine day for mayoring!"

"Right, well, I spent all my time watching them because, y'know, because I needed to hear other people's voices to keep from going crazy, and-" Vivian laughed again. "-and I got the biggest crush on Danny Goombang-"

"No way! We have so much in common!"

"-and it got to the point where even when I wasn't watching the videos, I could still hear their voices in my head, commenting on my every action and giggling like maniacs!" The room went dead silent. The moment the words were out of Vivian's mouth, she clamped her hand over her lips. "I mean, um, that's an exaggeration, obviously, but, err..." Vivian decided to finish that sentence with some painfully anxious laughter. It… It didn't help her case.

"Well," said Loogie, "I think that's-"

" _Y'know what, I really need to be heading out before I miss my boat. It was very nice meeting you,_ _Loogie_ _. Thanks for everything!_ "

"Oh, uh, buh-bye-"

Vivian was out the door and back in the freezing rain before she'd even realized what was happening. It took a moment for it to hit her. She'd run away again. Everything had been going great, but then she made one misstep and freaked out about it. Now Loogie must've thought she was a total weirdo.

* * *

Luigi stared at the closed door in awe. He couldn't believe it. Was this real life? Had that really happened? Had Luigi had a conversation… _with a girl?_ A CUTE girl! Who'd talked to him out of her own free will! Nobody besides his bro had talked to Luigi in months! This was amazing! Luigi was totally putting this in his secret diary!

* * *

For the second time, Vivian had snuck onto a passenger ship without paying. It was usually cold inside her Shadow Veil, but the rain outside made it feel like Fahr Outpost. By the time the ship finally pulled into Rogueport's harbor, it was pitch black out. Vivian had been cooped up in her veil for hours, but the sad truth was, that wasn't too unusual for her.

Vivian liked the nighttime, though. It kept the people of Rogueport from examining her too closely as she made her way to the Warp Pipe by Frankly's house. Or maybe liking the dark was simply part of being a demon… The thought made Vivian's chest tighten.

After navigating the labyrinthine ruins, Vivian finally reached the pipe to Twilight Town, then made a beeline for the Creepy Steeple. At least the steeple's two hundred Boos were in high spirits – pun not intended. Midnight was, after all, the spookiest time of day.

Vivian had actually thought Beldam and Marilyn might still be in the kitchen, but it turned out Marilyn had given up on feeding Beldam. Instead, Vivian found her sisters in the steeple's main foyer, loafing around beneath a stained glass window depicting one of Doopliss's ancestors.

"Where've _you_ been?" Vivian was greeted with a scowl from beneath the rim of Beldam's hat.

"Guh?" added a decidedly more concerned-sounding Marilyn.

"I… Well… I..." Vivian had to wet her lips. Her throat had gone dry. "After you made that remark about us being 'created,' Beldam, I, um..." She hugged herself. "I've been very curious about our species and where we came from and if we have any other family, and… and..." Alright, deep breath. Here it came. "...the Shadow Queen is our mother, isn't she? We're all demons like her, aren't we?"

For a second, Vivian was seriously worried Beldam was about to hurl a bolt of ice at her face, but instead Beldam merely snorted at her for the umpteenth time. "You _just now_ figured it out? We look _exactly like_ the Shadow Queen, you ditz!"

Vivian shrank. "Well, um..." It probably wasn't the best time to mention that she'd needed a renowned paranormal expert to help her come to that conclusion.

"Guh!" Marilyn tried her best to sound reassuring, but it was a poor counterbalance to Beldam's attitude.

"So then… who's our father?"

"We don't have one, genius." Beldam drifted closer to Vivian, practically snarling. "Our mistress created us through black magic. At first, I was an only child. When the queen got sealed behind the Thousand-Year Door, it was my responsibility to free her. But..." Now she and Vivian were practically touching noses. "...after a millennium of failure, the Shadow Queen gathered the last of her strength. Without the Crystal Stars, she couldn't escape the door herself, but she could send her avatars through it. She created Marilyn and, a couple decades later, _you_."

Beldam suddenly turned away. "But by then, the queen's powers were waning. You and Marilyn are _weak_. You're 'demons' only in the loosest sense of the word – You were more like constant reminders of my inadequacy. Now, on top of opening the Thousand-Year Door, I had to babysit my own replacements. And, of course, the irony of it all… is that the Shadow Queen's final creation was responsible for her destruction!"

She spun around once again, jabbing an accusing finger at Vivian's face. "You betrayed our mistress, our mother, our own flesh and blood, without even understanding what you were doing, all because some fat Italian guy made goo-goo eyes at you! Freeing our mistress was our entire purpose in life, and you took it away from us! Now we have nothing! We're spirits trapped wandering this earth for eternity, no different from common Boos!"

"But… But..." Vivian thought she'd been all cried out for the day, but as per usual, she failed to live up to her own expectations.

"Guhhh-" Marilyn tried to speak, but she couldn't make herself heard over Beldam's screaming.

"We could've sat at the Shadow Queen's side as she ruled this miserable planet, but now instead we're stuck living in this dump with Freak-sheet! _So no, Vivian, I don't want to go on a stupid vacation with you! All I want is to forget everything as I wither away into nothingness!_ "

"But- But wait, this can't be r-right." Vivian's mind felt like a haze right now. She floated backwards, trembling. "How could I be the Shadow Queen's d-d-daughter? She didn't even recognize me."

Beldam let loose her loudest scream yet. " _That's because you're DRESSED LIKE A WOMAN, you_ _squirrel-brain_ _!_ "

The words reverberated around the steeple. Even Marilyn had gone silent from shock.

"I.. I..." Vivian had lost all hope of forming coherent speech.

" _Gggguh!_ " Suddenly, Marilyn floated in front of Vivian. Beneath her bangs, Marilyn's brow had creased as she stared down their eldest sister.

"Oh, will you knock it off, Marilyn?" Beldam turned away, folding her arms. "I'm sick of you always coming to his defense."

Vivian made a noise like a puppy that'd been stabbed.

"I _meant_ 'her defense,' Vivian." Beldam snorted again as she floated away. "You need to get some thicker skin already..."

She'd been freezing cold when she came in, but now Vivian's face felt boiling hot. She overheard some titters from the rafters and shot her head upwards in time to catch a couple Boos darting through the walls. Oh no. How much had the Boos overheard? Dang it, why did Beldam have to yell this stuff at the top of her lungs?

"Guh?" Marilyn floated cautiously towards Vivian, but before she could get within hugging distance, Vivian darted out the steeple.

Running away from her problems for the third time today.

* * *

Vivian ran blindly. She ran past the Crazee Dayzees of Twilight Trail. Past the befuddled Twilighters in town. Down the Warp Pipe and into the ruins beneath Rogueport. Through the labyrinth of decaying brick and mortar. Vivian didn't even know which way she was going – She was running on pure instinct. Eventually, Vivian reached a large, circular room and plopped herself down in its center, where she curled into the fetal position and waited for her sobbing to stop.

She waited for a long, long time.

And when the sobbing finally did stop, it was only because Vivian's sense of self-preservation had kicked in. She jolted upright, finally realizing that she had absolutely no idea where she'd run off to… until she spotted the huge, unmistakable landmark resting before her. Vivian's heart sank.

It was a door. No, _the_ door. The one Vivian had promised herself she would never go anywhere near ever again – not since she, Mario, and the others had finally defeated Bonetail. Vivian and her sisters had been down here so often over the years, plotting how to open it, that Vivian must've returned via muscle memory.

A chill ran through Vivian's entire body. It was irrational, she knew – The Shadow Queen had been dead for a long time. Yet still, the Thousand-Year Door royally creeped Vivian out. Well, it could've been worse. At least she hadn't blindly jumped into the Pit of 100 Trials…

But then Vivian jolted. The Thousand-Year Door was… open a crack. Who could've been down here? Were Frankly and Goombella on an archeological expedition, or, heaven forbid, had curious tourists wandered in to get game over-ed by the Palace of Shadow's numerous death traps?

Slowly, cautiously, Vivian brought a trembling hand to the door frame. But before she could reach out and touch it, a cold, booming voice cried out, " _FOOL!_ "

" _Eeeeeek!_ " Vivian sprang backwards, shrieking her head off. Something had suddenly emerged from the door. Namely, a small, dark figure draped in a cloak of shadows. Vivian could hardly get a good look at it because she was too busy screaming.

" _YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU DO!_ " You couldn't tell beneath the cloak, but judging by the spectral creature's voice, it was female (Well, Vivian was hardly one to judge somebody's gender from speaking voice alone, but still). " _ONE SUCH AS YOURSELF, WHO CARRIES THE ESSENCE OF THE SHADOW QUEEN WITHIN YOUR BEING, MUST TAKE EXTRA PRECAUTION TO STAY AWAY FROM THIS ACCURSED PLACE! THERE ARE FORCES HERE OF WHICH YOU KNOW NOT! DARK FORCES WHICH CONSPIRE TO RETURN THE_ _IR DEMONIC_ _MISTRESS TO HER THRONE! RUN FAR AWAY, CHILD! LEAVE THIS PLACE AND NEVER RETURN, UNLESS YOU WANT THE SHADOW QUEEN TO ONCE AGAIN BRING DEATH AND DESPAIR UPON-_ Hey, wait, are you writing this down? It's kind of important to the overarching plot."

"What?" Vivian blinked, dazed.

"Here, lemme help you out." The spectral figure handed Vivian a plain graphite pencil from within her cloak, then tore off a part of the scenery for Vivian to write on. "There you go."

"Oh, um, thank you." Vivian obediently jotted down some notes.

"Welcome. _DEATH AND DESPAIR UPON YOU ALL! DEATH AND DEEEEEEEEEEESPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!_ "

And with that, the spectral figure vanished as suddenly as she'd appeared, slamming the Thousand-Year Door shut and leaving Vivian alone in the chamber.


	3. Education

The University of Goom was cut from much the same cloth as Poshley Heights. That is to say, the campus was practically paved with gold coins. The grass was freshly mowed, the sidewalk was newly-cemented and unbroken, and the air smelled crisp and clean – except whenever a student chose to ignore the enormous "SMOKE FREE CAMPUS, E FOR EVERYONE" signs plastered everywhere. These were some of the most frequent messages on the numerous campus signposts, followed closely by PSA warnings about how dropouts were destined to slave away for the Koopa clan or the Black Sugar Gang, big bold letters reading, " _If you come to the edge of a bottomless pit, DON'T KEEP WALKING_ ," and even advertisements for the campus's "Goombas' Studies" classes, where young impressionable Goombas would learn all about how they were being stomped under the boot of social oppression.

From the looks of things, the university welcomed Goombas of all flavors, from Paragoombas to Micro Goombas to even the super obscure Galoomba subspecies. Vivian hated to sound speciesist, but she had to admit, being surrounded by groups of any single species made her uncomfortable – Yeah, yeah, big surprise. What _didn't_ make her feel uncomfortable, right? Vivian sighed. It was just that, here at an all-Goomba university, a _shadow-person_ (Vivian refused to use the "d-word") stood out like a sore thumb. She got more eyes on herself than she would've liked.

It was bright and early out, meaning Vivian was visible for all to see in the sunlight. For the millionth time, Vivian thanked her curly bangs for hiding her face. No one could tell how red and puffy it was behind there.

After an eternity of fumbling with her map, Vivian was finally able to locate the dormitory building. Thank the stars, she hadn't needed to ask a stranger for directions. The dorm seemed welcoming enough. The walls and boards had all been decorated with a _Super Smash Bros._ theme. Apparently, there was a dedicated club here (There was also exactly one kid who preferred _Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale_ , but they tried not to make eye contact with him).

But Vivian wasn't here to fraternize. The instant she entered the building, she made a beeline for the women's dorms. Now, which room number was it again…? Vivian hopefully found the correct number, then took a deep breath, pushed down the butterflies in her tummy, and gave the door a nice, firm knock. This one was made from flimsy construction paper, so she had to bang pretty hard to get a good sound.

"Like, hello?" The door was answered by a female Goomba… who was a total stranger.

Vivian nearly jumped out of her purple skin. She'd _thought_ she'd remembered the room number. "Sorry, I- I was looking for Goombella."

"Vivian?"

Relief washed through every pore of Vivian's body as she heard a familiar voice from the back of the dorm room. A second Goomba-girl waddled over to the entrance, and this one, Vivian recognized instantly. She may have traded her archeologist outfit for a nightgown – specially tailored to the Goomba's distinct body shape, of course – and her sleek blonde hair may not have been up in a ponytail at the moment, but there was no mistaking that pink skin and that single, rounded fang. Goodness gracious, she was _much_ cuter than Vivian...

"Goombella, I, err..." Vivian had thought she might get tongue tied. That was why, before leaving Rogueport, Vivian had meticulously planned out this entire conversation.

She couldn't remember a word of it.

"I'm sorry, I hope I'm not bothering you at a bad time, but, it's… it's very important..."

"Well, we _were_ studying for finals-" Goombella's roommate started to say.

But Goombella cut her off with, "Hey, actually, Goombecca, could you go study in the library for a while?"

"Oh, uh, like, okay." Goombecca obediently gathered up all her books and notes. They just kind of… floated next to her armless body, telekinetically. Vivian had to keep herself from staring.

"Thanks, you're the best!" Goombella smiled after her roommate, but as soon as Goombecca was out of sight, her face grew more somber.

Goombella ushered Vivian inside, then shut the door behind them. They were alone. Finally, Vivian could breathe.

"Vivian? What's up? Is everything okay?" Goombella frowned at her.

"No, it's… it's really not." Vivian planted her shadowy butt on a nearby mattress. Sheesh, this place was even more cramped than Frankly's lab. Vivian had only been in here a minute, and already she was feeling claustrophobic. "Goombella, there's something I need to tell you. It..." She bowed her head. "...might be pretty alarming."

"Oh. _OH._ No, _honey_ , you can tell me anything. It's okay!" Goombella immediately plopped down next to Vivian and leaned into her – which seemed to be the Goomba equivalent of a hug. "You know that me, Mario, and all the others are your friends." Why did Vivian get the impression this was rehearsed? "We all accept you no matter what you-"

"Someone's trying to revive the Shadow Queen," Vivian said flatly.

" _HOLY SNIFFIT!_ "

Vivian had never seen a Goomba do a pratfall before. She hated to laugh at armless people for falling over, but she couldn't deny it was pretty funny.

"Why?" Vivian gave her a pointed look. "What did you _think_ I was going to say?"

"Nothing." Goombella's voice had gone quite high. "I didn't have the slightest clue what you might have been about to share with… with..."

Vivian folded her arms, her gaze unflinching. "You thought I was going to tell you I'm transgender, didn't you?"

" _Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? You're- You're tra_ _aaaaaaaaaaaaaa_ _ns-? I- I had no id-_ " Goombella shrank under Vivian's stare. "I'm so sorry. I overheard Beldam yelling about it once, but-" She nearly did another pratfall in her rush to "Goomba-hug" Vivian again. "-but I would've had no clue otherwise, I swear! You-" Goombella glanced away. Her cheeks were reddening. "-you look amazing. I mean that. Nobody else in the gang knows. At least, I don't think they do. But even if they did, they wouldn't treat you any different."

So Mario didn't know? It was kind of bad to admit it to herself, but that knowledge brought Vivian comfort.

"Yeah, Beldam has trouble keeping quiet about it." Vivian returned Goombella's hug. "But thank you. What you just said means a lot to me."

"Well, I'm sure most people nowadays are accepting of- of that kinda stuff." Goombella's cheeks weren't getting any less red. "I mean, we're not exactly living in the 8-bit era anymore, y'know?"

"I know." Vivian gave a bittersweet smile. "I'm just sorry you had to find out that way. Beldam's always had some, err, difficulty adjusting to the change."

"Well, I hate to say it, Vivian, but your older sister's a total b-" Goombella stammered for a second. "-bad person. I mean, she _did_ try to start the apocalypse by reviving an ancient demon and stuff."

Vivian winced involuntarily. There was the "d-word." "Well," she began, "I think there's a reason Beldam was so loyal to the Shadow Queen. Beldam recently told me that..." This was still hard to admit out loud. "...the Shadow Sirens are the Shadow Queen's daughters. Well, sort of..."

Over the next few minutes, Vivian explained everything to Goombella. She explained about the revelation from Professor Frankly, the harsh words from Beldam, and, most importantly, the mysterious figure who'd appeared before the Thousand-Year Door. But you just read all that stuff, so recapping it would be kinda tedious.

At the end of Vivian's tale, Goombella nodded pensively. "To be honest, Vivian, the whole thing about you being the queen's daughter doesn't surprise me. Professor Frankly and I have been researching whatever ancient texts we can find about the Shadow Queen, and legends have it that she had the power to create monst- _people_." Goombella quickly corrected herself, shooting Vivian an apologetic look. "Hmm, wonder if that makes Hooktail your cousin or something…? And, well, besides, you do have that same, uh, _purpley-ski_ _n, eyes-hidden_ kinda vibe as the Shadow Queen."

Vivian nodded slowly. "I noticed that, too. I guess I just never wanted to believe it before..."

"Hey-" Suddenly, Goombella put on a goofy smile. "-so does this make you the Shadow Princess? That's pretty awesome, right?"

Vivian laughed softly. "I think I'll stick with 'Vivian,' thanks. I, uh..." She glanced away, then admitted, "I picked that name out myself, so I'm sort of fond of it."

"Oh, right, I guess you did." This seemed to spark Goombella's curiosity. "So what did the Shadow Queen originally na-?" But she halted herself mid-sentence. "Y'know what? It doesn't matter. The important thing right now is stopping whichever jerk is trying to revive the Shadow Queen." Goombella pondered this for a second. "You don't think it's Beldam again, do you?"

Vivian shook her head. "Not unless she's a great actress. She's been so depressed lately, Beldam must really believe the Shadow Queen is gone forever." She hugged herself, shivering. "That's what scares me the most. If they ever realize there's even the slightest chance that the queen might not be completely dead, Beldam and- and maybe even Marilyn could..."

"Vivian." Goombella nuzzled Vivian's side. "Things are never going back to the way they were for you, I swear. You've changed so much, grown so much, that there's no way you'd ever let Beldam boss you around again."

"I guess you're right..." Still, Vivian worried about Marilyn. Marilyn had never acted anywhere near as vicious as Beldam, but at the same time, Beldam hadn't seemed to hate Marilyn quite as much as she'd hated Vivian. And besides, Marilyn's vocabulary was so limited, it was hard to get a read on her. Who knew who she'd side with?

"And then there's this weirdo who yelled at you in front of the Thousand-Year Door." Goombella looked over at a piece of paper in Vivian's gloved hands, upon which had been hastily scribbled the words, _carries essence of shadow queen, stay away, dark forces, death and despair_. "Who could she have been?"

"I don't know." Vivian returned the paper to its hiding spot inside her hat. "But it seemed like she was trying to help me, in her own weird way. If she's right, though, and the Shadow Queen could be revived, well, I really _can't_ stay away. We have to do everything in our power to stop it from happening."

"Yeah!" Goombella hopped to her feet. She probably would've done a fist-bump if it'd been anatomically possible. "College has been so _boring_ ever since our adventure!"

 _ **Goombella joined your party!**_

"Now we can finally get the old gang back together, and I've got an excuse to skip my last exam tomorrow!"

" _Oh, no._ " At this, Vivian leaped off the mattress herself. "You're not flunking out of college on my behalf!"

"Aww, but-"

"I'm sure the dark forces will still be conspiring to revive the Shadow Queen _after_ your final exam. Although-" Vivian faltered. "I suppose we wouldn't really need to go on an adventure to stop the queen's revival at all if we just alerted the proper authorities about it."

Goombella rolled her eyes. "No offense, but the 'proper authorities' can't even keep the head of state's daughter from getting kidnapped by a giant turtle monster every other Tuesday."

"Touché."

* * *

So now Vivian had to wait an extra day to begin the adventure, which gave her plenty of time to develop an ulcer at the thought of returning to the Palace of Shadow. She tried to make the most of her time by using the library's computers to send a couple emails, but it hadn't been as productive as she'd hoped. As it turned out, Mario was still adventuring on Prism Island, Koops was busy being the mayor of Petalburg, the Great Gonzales Jr. had hurt himself in a particularly intense Glitz Pit battle and was still recovering (Vivian made a mental note to send him a fruit basket), Bobbery was out sailing in places no email could hope to reach, Flurrie was still touring with that Sticker Festival play Doopliss had mentioned – though apparently it was getting slaughtered by the reviews – and Ms. Mowz was off sniffing for rare badges on Pi'illo Island. It wasn't that none of them cared about the Shadow Queen's potential revival, but there was simply no way they could all return to Rogueport on such short notice.

 _Sigh_ _…_ Looked like the old gang wouldn't be getting back together after all. Vivian supposed she shouldn't have been so surprised. Starting the adventure with a full party violated, like, every RPG rule in the book. It was alright, though. Vivian was happy she'd at least get to have Goombella by her side. Vivian couldn't imagine working up the courage to enter the Palace of Shadow completely alone.

Presently, as she waited for Goombella to finish her exam, Vivian was drifting off around the campus's food court. As we went over before, shadow-people don't get hungry, and Vivian didn't want to mooch off Goombella's meal plan anyways, but she did enjoy the smell of food wafting through the air.

Of course, the food court was also super crowded, which meant into her Shadow Veil Vivian went. Yes, she could still smell the food from in there. Don't ask how that works.

The truth was, Vivian might have been engaging in a tiny bit of people-watching. It was a filthy habit, she knew, but she couldn't help herself. These Goombas were all so fascinating. Everything in this cafeteria had been specially designed to accommodate their pudgy, armless bodies.

But one group of Goombas in particular caught Vivian's eye. It was a congregation of a little over half a dozen Goombas, most of whom where girls. A lot them looked pretty typical, dressed in the kind of cute outfits you'd expect from co-eds, but the Goomba at the front of the pack really stood out. It wasn't the Goomba's short, neon pink hair or black, thick-rimmed glasses that caught Vivian's attention, though. No, it was the necklace this Goomba was wearing. On a chain around the Goomba's… um… neck – torso? Whatever. – rested a large, shiny key that looked like it was made of pure diamond. And, most importantly, carved into the handle was the unmistakable design of a Crystal Star.

From within her veil, Vivian gave a start. A Crystal Star? On a key? Why would some random Goomba have such a thing? Had the legend of the Shadow Queen passed into popular culture already? Were edgy Goomba teenagers buying Shadow Queen-themed jewelry at Hot Topic now? What if that key was important somehow? Was it connected to the Thousand-Year Door?

It was obvious what she had to do. Vivian needed to hop out of her Shadow Veil and go ask this Goomba about that necklace. Yes, Vivian would have to place herself in the middle of a huge crowd, but… but this was important. The fate of the world could rest on that key. All Vivian had to do was go up to this stranger and… and start a conversation. Easy peasy.

Vivian watched from within her veil as the Goomba clique waddled its way out of the dining hall.

"Like, can you believe what shoe Goombrittany was wearing?"

"Yeah, a giant green boot with a wind-up crank on the back. I, like, wouldn't be caught dead wearing that."

"Totally."

"Hey, hey, I've got that list of reasons you wanted!" Suddenly, another Goomba approached the group, and Vivian actually recognized this one – It was Goombecca, Goombella's roommate, and she was holding up a piece of paper, though it was too far away for Vivian to see what was written on it.

"It's about time." The pink-haired Goomba, who seemed to be the alpha of the pack, quickly snatched it out of her nonexistent hands. "I'd better hold onto this. A klutz like you would, like, lose it right away. Now, c'mon, girls, we've totally got work to do..."

Their voices grew fainter and fainter until they vanished completely.

...Aaaaaand Vivian was still inside her Shadow Veil. You win this round, social anxiety.

* * *

Vivian had been kinda down after that, but seeing the look on Goombella's face as she emerged from the classroom raised her spirits.

"Do you think you did well on the test?"

"Who cares? I'm just glad it's over!" Goombella practically skipped down the hall as Vivian floated after her. "I've finally got some free time, and I even called out of work for the week so we can go adventuring. This is gonna be just like old times!"

Well, Vivian hoped it wasn't going to be _exactly_ like old times, but still, she admired Goombella's enthusiasm.

Vivian had to admit, though, it was always a little weird to see Goombella out of her trademark archeologist outfit. Currently, while she did have her hair in a ponytail as per usual, Goombella was dressed in Goomba-sized jeans and a tank top. Come to think of it, Vivian didn't have the faintest idea how Goombas managed to put on shirts. Maybe Goomba-shirts were made to be super stretchy so they could squeeze over their giant heads?

"So," said Goombella as they walked. She didn't exactly have a shoulder to look over, so she had to twist her whole body to glance at Vivian. "What were you up to while I was testing?"

"Oh, well, I was hanging out in the foot court, and I saw this Goomba wearing a- _Wait, there_ _it_ _is!_ "

Vivian had honestly thought she'd never see that Goomba ever again, let alone so soon. And the Goomba was even wearing the exact same Crystal Star key necklace.

"Oh." Goombella's face fell. " _That_ Goomba."

"We need to ask about that necklace." But Vivian was too distracted to notice her friend's lack of enthusiasm. With Goombella at her side, Vivian felt bold enough to float right up to the group.

"Um, are you sure?" frowned Goombella. "Because that Goomba kinda has a reputation for being a little-"

It was too late. Vivian had already caught the pink-haired Goomba's attention. "Excuse me?"

"Like, what do you want?" The Goomba spun to face them, and the crowd of followers quickly did likewise.

"Uh, hi, Goombich," Goombella began.

Goombich immediately let out a cry of disgust. "It's pronounced Goom-BEECH!"

"Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Goombich." This time, Goombella was careful to pronounce it properly. "Uh, my friend wanted to ask you something..."

All eyes fell on Vivian. She'd gone a bit pink, but Vivian managed to stammer out, "I was w-wondering where you got that necklace from. Is it based on the Crystal Stars from the legend of the Thousand-Year Door?"

"Oh, this old thing?" Goombich glanced down at said necklace. "I dunno, it's just some family heirloom. I only wore it cuz I thought it looked cool with my top."

Suddenly, one of Goombich's friends walked right up to Vivian and blurted out, "If you're a ghost, why are you purple?"

Goombich spun towards her, scowling. "Ohmigod, Kurikaren, you can't just ask somebody why they're purple!" Then Goombich turned back to Vivian and Goombella. "Now if you'll, like, excuse us, we've got some really important work to be doing."

"Yeah!" blurted out another of Goombich's friends. "We're trying to get this book banned from schools!" She proudly held up a copy of _Winnie-Thepooie_.

" _Winnie-Thepooie?_ " Vivian jolted. "That was one of my favorites as a kid!" _Winnie-Thepooie_ was a timeless children's classic about the heartwarming adventures of a silly old bear and his winged piglet friend who lived in his backpack.

"Well, I find this book to be extremely _offensive_." Goombich held all the vowel sounds in the word, as if being given the chance to say it was one of the greatest joys in life and needed to be savored.

"Really?" Vivian looked blank. "It seemed so innocent when I was little. What's offensive about it?"

"IT'S NOT MY JOB TO EDUCATE YOU!" Apparently, the question had gotten Goombich's heart rate up. "I mean, I _definitely_ know all the reasons, but, uh, it'd be easier to just read them off to you. Hey, you!" Goombich turned to Goombecca. "Hand me that list of reasons you wrote out for me."

"Uh, what?" Goombecca looked startled. "But- But Goombich, _you_ took that paper from me, rememb-?"

"YOU MEAN YOU _LOST_ IT?" At this point, Goombich was shrieking loudly enough to elicit stares from passing students. "Ugh, you ruined everything, _as per usual_ , Goombecca! We were supposed to save the school from this offensive book! We would be HEROES, but now we're not because YOU messed up! Why do you always have to be such a BAD FRIEND?"

"I- I- I'm really sorry, Goombich." Goombecca turned away, cowering. Her eyes were beginning to water. "I'll do better next time, I promise."

Goombich merely snorted. "If you think I'm going to, like, ever trust you again after what you-"

" _STOP IT!_ " Vivian surprised herself with the acid in her voice. Without even realizing what she was doing, Vivian had placed herself between the two Goombas. "I was in the food court earlier, Goombich. I _saw_ you take the paper from Goombecca. You owe her an apology." She knelt down to put her arms around the cowering Goomba, who gratefully accepted the hug. "That outburst was uncalled for. You act so concerned about people getting offended by things, but I think _you_ just offended one of your friends."

Unsurprisingly, Goombich failed to be fazed. "What would you know about what is and isn't offensive?" Goombich scoffed. "You're cisgender!"

"I- _Wait, what?_ "

"You heard me." Goombich's face had contorted into a snarl. "You're obviously a cisgender girl, and cisgender people are, like, the most privileged class on the planet, so there's no way you could possibly understand- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SMIRKING ABOUT?"

"Nothing, nothing," Vivian said quickly. "Hey, err, sorry if this is too prying, but do you mean to imply that you're _not_ cisgender?"

From the looks of things, Goombich had been waiting for this to come up. "I'm caelgender, which is, like, a gender of outer space and the stars that is far beyond earthly comprehension." Goombich's chest puffed out proudly. "My pronouns are cae, caer, and caerself."

The statement was followed by a brief silence.

"Oh," said Vivian. "Okay, then."

"And by the way, you should've phrased your question better," Goombich added, huffing. "It sounded like you were assuming I'm cisgender, which would be, like, _extremely_ rude." Goombich looked back to Goombecca. "Anyways, I guess it's, like, not that big a deal that Goombecca lost the paper like an idiot. I still remember a couple of the reasons the book needs to be banned."

Goombich took a breath, then said, "First off, this book contains a bouncy cartoon tiger, which could be, like, upsetting to people with agrizoophobia, ailurophobia, kyrofelonoshophobia, I could go on. They at least need to put, like, some kind of warning about that on the cover. Second off-"

"YOU HAVE _GOT_ TO BE KIDDING ME!"

Okay, Vivian had specifically been planning on _not_ getting into a petty argument with Goombich, but it occurred to her that she probably should've gone over this strategy with Goombella beforehand. Goombella had, apparently, run out of patience, and was now staring Goombich down from a few inches away. Goombella's eyes were bulging, while a vein on Goombich's forehead looked dangerously close to bursting.

"That's the dumbest reason I've ever heard!" snapped Goombella. "If you're gonna start putting warnings on stuff because someone somewhere _might_ have a phobia of it, then you'll basically have to put warnings on everything in the entire world!"

"How DARE you stand in the way of progress?" Goombich was virtually howling with rage. "You're on the wrong side of history, Goombella! That makes you literally Bowser!"

"Um, Goombella," Vivian tried to say, "we really have more important things to do than picking a fight with-"

"You- You don't even CARE if this stupid book is offensive or not, do you?" If Goombella had heard Vivian, she didn't show it. "You're only using that as an excuse so you can have the moral high ground while you bully people!"

This, apparently, had been the last straw. There was a shocked silence from Goombich's circle of friends. The way Goombich was vibrating brought to mind a tea kettle on the brink of eruption.

Vivian wasn't sure how she'd expected Goombich to finally break the silence, but it sure hadn't been with an otherworldly shriek: " _REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! THAT STATEMENT WAS HIGHLY TOXIC AND PROBLEMATIC!_ _GIRLS! GET INTO POSITION!_ "

Seven of Goombich's friends obediently hopped onto each other's shoulders until they'd formed a three-by-three grid of Goombas towering towards the ceiling, with Goombich in the top-middle position. However, if you've been doing the math, you might've realized that only added up to eight Goombas, and they needed nine to complete the grid.

"Goombecca!" Goombich barked down at the poor girl, who was busy cowering behind Vivian. "Get your rear in gear!"

"Y-Yes, Goombich..." Vivian and Goombella tried to stop her, but Goombecca was too quick. She hopped up into the Goomba-tower, completing the grid. There was now a solid brick of Goombas blocking the hall – though luckily, by now most of the student passerby had already cleared out.

"And now, girls..." Suddenly, the Crystal Star key around Goombich's neck (or rather, the spot where Goombich's head ended and torso began) started to glow a brilliant white. "...INITIATE MEGASPARKLE SUPER STICKER KAWAII SHINE GET CHIBI MOE MODE DESU!"

There was a brilliant, blinding light, and when it subsided, a dazed Vivian and Goombella found themselves staring down a massive Goombich. The Goomba's paper body was now laminated and garishly shiny, and there was a crazed look in Goombich's eyes – even more crazed than it'd been before.

And the next thing anyone knew, a curtain fell over everything in sight, and when it drew back up, the three of them were now standing onstage before a massive audience of cheering university students. Vivian and Goombella stood on the left side of the stage, while the giant sparkly Goombich occupied the right.

"Gee whiz!" Vivian stumbled backwards. "We're having a boss fight already? But we didn't even have time to buy items or grind for Star Points!"

"We'll have to make due with what we've got on hand." As always, Goombella started off the battle by whipping out her Tattle Log. She flipped the book to a page with a picture of a giant Goomba that looked almost as shiny as the real deal standing before them.

Goombella read out: "That's a Megasparkle Goomba, as seen in _Paper Mario: Sticker Star_. Y'know, the one nobody liked." She looked up from the page to give Vivian a befuddled look. "I'm not editorializing. That's what's actually written in here."

"Go figure."

"Anyways, it says its max heart points is twelve, its attack is five, and its defense is one, so it sounds pretty tough. Oh, but the log also notes that the Goombas that fused to create the Megasparkle Goomba are a lot weaker individually, so our best bet would be to try and get them to un-fuse somehow."

"Get them to un-fuse?" Vivian pondered this for a moment (Don't worry, the fighting was all turn-based, so she had plenty of time to think). "Well, I have no idea how to do that, so I guess we'll have to try our regular attacks for now."

With a dramatic point of her finger, Vivian cast a Fiery Jinx. It was a direct hit, but unfortunately, the Megasparkle Goomba was completely unfazed.

" _Nice try!_ " The transformation had given Goombich's voice a lot more reverb. " _But this sparkly lamination is completely fireproof! Your puny jinx is nothing compared to the magic of the Crystal Key!_ "

Next it was Goombich's turn to attack. The massive Megasparkle Goomba pounced into the air.

" _It's okay to fight you because I'm punching up!_ " the Goomba bellowed as it swung downwards. The beast landed with a _thud_ , bringing all of its weight down upon poor Vivian. And they were both two-dimensional, so the fact that Goombich had been able to aim accurately enough to hit her from above was super impressive. Vivian had tried to Superguard, but Goombich moved so fast, it was impossible to get the timing down on the first try.

"Vivian!" Goombella immediately ran to her partner's side to give her a healing Mushroom. "You okay?"

"I've had worse." Now that her HP was a bit higher, Vivian was able to pull herself to her feet – or, err, her shadow tendril. "But if my fire can't hurt that thing, then there's nothing else I can do..."

Vivian was left with no choice but to drag both herself and Goombella into her Shadow Veil for the round.

The Megasparkle Goomba once again tried to squish them, but this time it only slammed into a shadow on the floor.

" _Ugh!_ " Goombich howled in fury. " _We could've hit them if we'd been faster! You're slowing us down, Goombecca! Do better next time!_ "

"Wait a minute." Vivian pulled them both out of the veil. "That's it!" Instead of attacking, running away, or using an item, Vivian looked up at the Megasparkle Goomba and called out, "Goombecca, can you hear me in there?"

" _No, she can't!_ " Goombich called back down, followed shortly by, " _Shut up, Goombecca! You shouldn't be listening to these bigots anyways!_ " Since the Goombas were all fused together at the moment, it looked like Goombich was scolding the thin air beside her.

"Goombecca, please, I know resisting Goombich's orders is hard! Sometimes..." Vivian stared at the stage floor. "Sometimes you get roped in with people who take advantage of you, people who are cruel to you, and you're scared to go against them because you don't know what will happen, but..." Vivian gazed back up at the Megasparkle Goomba. There was a dramatic wind blowing from offstage, giving the Goomba a clear view of Vivian's face behind her bangs. "...take it from me, your life will get _so much better_ if you learn to stand up for yourself."

" _I've had about enough of your hate speech!_ " Goombich readied her huge, monstrous body for another jump attack. " _You wasted your round on talking, so now it's my turn again, and this time, I'm gonna stomp you so hard, you'll game over instantly!_ _You deserve it, c_ _is scum!_ " Once again, the Megasparkle Goomba leaped into the air.

Down below, Vivian huddled together with Goombella, trembling. "Goombecca, please..."

" _Ha!_ " Goombich successfully landed on Vivian's head… but the other eight Goombas did not. As they'd sailed through the air, Goombecca had bailed out, causing the paper creature to de-fuse back into its component Goombas. Goombas were sent flying every which way in the chaos.

Of course, Goombich had landed a direct hit on Vivian, but now Goombich was back to being a regular Goomba, only inflicting a measely 1 HP of damage. Vivian had to brush off a bit of dirt she'd gotten from Goombich's shoes, but other than that, she was fine.

And now it was Vivian's turn again.

"H-Hey, stay back!" Before Goombich could run offstage, Vivian popped out of the shadows and snatched the Crystal Key.

"This is obviously too dangerous for someone like you to have." As she spoke, Vivian sank back into the shadows and reemerged at Goombella's side.

"Yeah! You did it, Vivian!" Goombella looked like she wanted to give Vivian a high-five, but… you know.

With the battle over, the stage around them magically transformed back into the regular old halls of the University of Goom. The only difference was, the Megasparkle Goomba had been replaced with nine disoriented Goomba students.

"I- I..." Goombich stepped backwards, shaken.

Vivian frowned. Was Goombich maybe about to apologize for treating Goombecca so horribly?

"I'M GOING TO WRITE SUCH A NASTY BLOG POST ABOUT YOU, YOU RACIST MISOGYNISTIC ABLELIST CLASSIST HOMOPHOBIC TRAAAAAAAAANSPHOOOOOOOOOOBE!"

Nope. Goombich instead chose to run off down the halls, wailing.

"Wait, 'ableist?'" Vivian looked confused. "Was Goombich disabled?"

"It's probably more polite not to speculate," Goombella said dryly.

Most of the other Goombas followed after their alpha, but Goombecca lingered behind.

"Hey, uh, Vivian, was it?" She smiled at her. "Thanks. I don't actually think _Winnie-The_ _p_ _ooie_ is offensive at all, but I was scared that if I didn't make up that list for Goombich..."

"...you'd be a racist, misogynistic, ableist, classist, homophobic transphobe?" finished Goombella.

"Yeah, I guess so." Goombecca laughed. "Anyways, now that I'm not being cowed into hanging out with Goombich anymore, I guess I'd better go study. I've still got two more final exams left..."

"Yikes." Goombella winced at her pain.

"Wait, you pronounced it differently," said a somewhat flustered Vivian. "I though it was pronounced 'Goom-BEECH.'"

"I know." Goombecca winked at her before vanishing off down the hallway.

And now, with all that out of the way, Vivian and Goombella could finally continue on their quest.

"Hey, Vivian?" Goombella bowed her head sheepishly. "I'm sorry for picking a fight. I shouldn't have escalated things, but..." She leaned in to nuzzle Vivian once again. "...that was really brave of you to stick up for Goombecca like that. You've grown so much since I first met you."

"Thanks." Vivian gave Goombella's hair an affectionate stroke. "And at least it wasn't a complete waste of time. We got _this_." She gestured to the diamond key in her other hand.

"Yeah… wonder what this thing _is_ , anyways?"

"Maybe we'll find out," Vivian said mysteriously, "if we take it to the Thousand-Year Door."

All of a sudden out of nowhere, Vivian was overcome with the urge to hoist the Crystal Key over her head as triumphant music played.

 _ **You got a Crystal Key!**_

 **END OF CHAPTER**


	4. All-Star Lineup

And so Vivian and Goombella retrieved the first Crystal Key, though they did not yet realize its significance. The duo left the University of Goom and made their way back to Rogueport, where they hoped that the Thousand-Year Door could provide them the answers they sought – and that the mysterious spectral figure's dire predictions would not come to pass. With luck, Vivian thought she and Goombella could put a quick end to the Shadow Queen's resurrection.

Little did she know that their adventure had only just begun.

* * *

Far, far away, beyond the sky, way above the clouds, it's been said that there's a haven where the Stars live… but I can tell from your face that you've heard this one before, too. Yes, you must be well acquainted with Star Haven, that beautiful sanctuary resting in the cold vacuum of space high above the Mushroom Kingdom. I'm sure you know all about the Haven's gorgeous star-made architecture (or "starchitecture," as we call it in the industry), rainbow roadways, and dizzying numbers of both shooting and stationary stars all working around the clock to grant the wishes of the people on the planet below. You might have even known about Star Haven's complementary inn and shop, which seemed oddly identical to the ones down in Toad Town.

But you probably didn't know about the emergency meeting going on in the Star Sanctuary right this minute. When you picture Star Haven, you picture a tranquil paradise resting in the cosmos. What you don't picture are hordes of stars zooming every which way, shrieking their heads off while a group of seven exhausted Star Spirits try in vain to stop the chaos.

"The Shadow Queen's coming back! The Shadow Queen's coming back!"

"Last time she returned, you could feel the wave of darkness from all the way up here!"

The Star Kids were shaking so badly, they'd become nothing but blurry smears of light. Now, you might think these star people were balls of gas burning billions of miles away, but they weren't. That would be stupid. They were actually glowing yellow people shaped like five-pointed stars who had faces on the center of their bodies and who floated a couple feet off the ground. Much more sensible.

"What if Princess Peach gets possessed again?" one of them asked, tears streaming down his glowing cheeks.

"We won't let that happen, Twink." Kalmar, the Star Spirit with the most skillfully-groomed mustache, gave the Star Kid a soothing pat. Twink nodded and wiped his eyes (He'd gotten that name from the way he twinkled, for the record. The fact that he was so lithe and supple was pure coincidence).

" _Everyone calm down and listen to me!_ "

A hush fell over the stars as every eye turned to their leader, Eldstar. He was the head of the Star Spirits and as such had the largest and most impressive mustache of all.

"Stars are being of light matter," he began. "but the Shadow Queen is a being of dark matter. That makes it our duty to keep her from wreaking havoc upon the world. However, the last time the Shadow Queen was revived, we Star Spirits were unable to intervene." He bowed his head – or rather, his entire five-pointed body. "We were still recovering from the ordeal with Bowser. But this time, not only are we able to lend our full assistance, but the Crystal Stars have already been gathered." He gestured to himself and his six cohorts. They each held a different star-shaped gem in their yellow, pointy arms.

"The Crystal Stars are powerful artifacts created by the Shadow Queen," Eldstar explained. "They were supposed to secure her rule over the planet, but they instead helped to end it. Mario left them with us in case the Shadow Queen ever returned, and now it seems his fears have been realized."

"We received an email from Mario explaining the situation," spoke up Mamar. As a female, she was tragically unable to grow a mustache and instead had distinguished herself from the other Star Spirits via a pink bow. It just wasn't the same, though. "We're right next to a satellite, so we get a fantastic signal up here. I'm talking hours of totally uninterrupted video streaming-"

Eldstar pointedly cleared his throat. "If the Queen's resurrection can't be stopped, the Crystal Stars will at least give us a solid fighting chance against her."

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad," said Twink. "All we have to do is go give the Crystal Stars back to Mario, and then he can kick the Shadow Queen's butt again!"

But Eldstar shook his head. "Mario is busy restoring the Paint Stars of Prism Island. They are the source of magical life-giving paint, and thus his task is of equal importance."

"But who else is supposed to save the day?" Twink looked pensive. "If only Mario had a relative with all the same powers as him, like a sister or something… Ah, well, can't think of anyone."

"We won't be needing Mario this time." Eldstar turned to the sanctuary's entrance. "We've called in help from an old friend..."

"Ooh!" The Star Kids turned their attention to the entrance. Coming through it now was another star-themed creature, only rather than being totally star-shaped, this one was actually a golden, bipedal sphere with a five-pointed star sticking out the top of her head.

"S'cuse me, representative of the Star Sprites coming through. I'm kind of a big deal."

"Starlow?" Eldstar called out to her. "Is she here yet?"

The Star Sprite nodded. "Well, there's a giant comet coming towards us, so either she's here or we should probably be worried."

On the planet below, countless Toads were expressing shock and confusion over the sight of a massive comet streaking through the sky, raining Star Bits as it went. This wasn't supposed to happen again for another century! They hadn't even had time to prepare a festival! The comet made a beeline for Star Haven, but fortunately it came to a halt mere inches in front of it.

"It's her! It's her!" The group of Stars ran out of the sanctuary and to the Haven's edge. Now that it'd slowed its spinning, the "comet" had revealed itself to actually be an enormous, elegant observatory. It was like a mix between a high-tech spaceship and a lavish mansion, and every inch of it was crawling with mewing Lumas. Lumas were kind of like Star Kids, but with a serious eating problem.

A tall human woman stepped off the far edge of the Comet Observatory and onto the far edge of Star Haven. She greeted the Stars with a pleasant smile, but she was met with silence. The Stars were too busy gawking at her. To put it bluntly, this woman made Princess Peach look like Waluigi. Her short, platinum hair had been expertly filled in with colored pencil, with each stroke representing a separate strand. The fair complexion of her paper body was done with a light pastel, which perfectly offset the teal ink of her elegant dress. Lastly, the woman wore the most adorable star-themed earrings and a silver crown, both of which had been drawn with a glitter marker, giving them an extra shine. You'd be hard-pressed to find a prettier face in the entire observable universe.

Finally, Eldstar broke the silence. "Rosalina, my dear! I'm relieved you made it here on such short notice."

Rosalina curtseyed. "I lingered around this planet for a while after the Star Festival. I was adventuring with some friends in the Sprixie Kingdom." Her voice was unfailingly soft and delicate, as if she'd spent millennia with no one but small children to talk to.

Eldstar's mustache curled upwards. "There's no one we'd trust more with the Crystal Stars, my dear."

"I'm flattered." Rosalina withdrew a magic wand from her sleeve – the standard kind that looked like a stick with a small star at the end. With a wave, she gathered the seven Crystal Stars towards her, and then they vanished into a magical storage dimension. Video game collectables are weird like that. "I was off-planet the last two times the Shadow Queen threatened this world, but this time, I will do everything in my power to stop her."

"We would love to join you, but we can't abandon our wish-granting duties. However..." Eldstar turned back towards the Sanctuary. "...we were able to call in additional help for you."

On cue, another person emerged from the Star Sanctuary. This one was no human, though, but rather a living, life-sized wooden doll. His body had been colored in with brown crayon to represent the texture of wood. Curly orange yarn poked out from beneath his blue cap, and a matching blue shawl had been draped over his shoulders. A heavy marker had been used to make his clothing appear dark and inky, and the doll's oversized eyes had been molded into a permanent, intense stare.

"My lady." The doll fell to one knee before Rosalina – though she towered over him even at his full height. "I vow to protect you during our quest."

"Oh! Hello, there." Rosalina's face lit up. Meeting new people was a rare treat for her. She was kinda like one of those crazy cat ladies, only replace cats with Lumas. "I don't believe I've made your acquaintance. I'm Rosalina, keeper of the Comet Observatory."

"My name is *$!?," said *$!?, "but it's, err, a bit tricky to pronounce, so you can call me-"

"No, don't worry, I'm quite fluent in the star language." Rosalina carefully sounded out each syllable. "*$!?."

*$!?'s painted eyeballs were in serious danger of popping out of their nonexistent sockets. "But- But no mortal has _ever_ pronounced that right!"

Rosalina merely giggled at this.

"*$!? here is our finest star warrior," spoke up Skolar, a bespectacled Star Spirit with a disgracefully tiny mustache.

"I'm actually a star, myself," said *$!?. "I've simply chosen to possess this doll that I… _borrow_ _ed_ from a Toad child. It's the physical form I'm the most comfortable in. Long story."

"*$!? helped repair the Star Road when a terrible villain shattered it," added Misstar, a pink Star Spirit wrapped in a not-at-all-flamboyant feather boa.

"Impressive." Rosalina met *$!?'s gaze, though it required her to crouch. "It's an honor to travel with you."

"Th- The pleasure's all mine." You might not have thought it was possible for a doll to blush, but *$!? would prove you wrong.

Next, Rosalina turned back towards the Observatory. Floating at the edge was a rare black-colored Luma. Despite basically being a palette swap of the standard yellow kind, you could somehow tell he held seniority over the others. "Polari, I'm counting on you to watch the Observatory and keep your fellow Lumas safe while I'm gone."

The black Luma bowed. "I won't fail you, my lady."

"Now then, let's delay no longer." Rosalina nodded to *$!?, and then the two of them made for the Haven's exit. "We need to stop the Shadow Queen's revival."

"I can help with that," said *$!?. "I scouted out the Palace of Shadow before coming here. The area is filled with dark spirits. I suspect that one of them conspires to revive the Queen, but I met another, friendlier spirit who tasked me with collecting seven magical items known as the 'Crystal Keys.' I think we can trust her. I was even given a lead on where the first key might be..."

"That sounds straightforward enough," said Rosalina. "If we act quickly, hopefully we can prevent the Shadow Queen's resurrection without any conflict."

But before the two of them could leave, Eldstar suddenly called out, "Wait!" The duo hesitated and glanced back at him. "There's one last thing we must give you, Rosalina. Follow us."

The Star Spirits led the girl and doll inside the Star Sanctuary and towards the center of the complex. There, resting on a platform, was a shimmering staff. It was not dissimilar from Rosalina's wand, except that this one was much taller and fancier, and it crackled with unbridled power.

"This is the Star Rod." Eldstar's voice was uncharacteristically grave. "It has the power to grant any wish… to an extent." He hovered right by Rosalina's face, staring her down. "We're entrusting you with this legendary treasure, my dear, but you must swear to us that you will _only_ use it in a dire emergency. The usage of such a powerful wish-granting item can have unforeseen consequences." He shared a look with his six comrades. "We all remember what happened the last time it fell into the wrong hands."

Rosalina solemnly accepted the Star Rod. "I'm touched that you would give me such a responsibility. I swear to you, I will not misuse the Rod's powers."

Eldstar beamed at her. "We know you won't. You're a special girl, Rosalina. Now go."

Rosalina curtseyed one last time, and then she and her new companion exited the sanctuary with the Star Rod and Crystal Stars in hand. Their voices grew fainter and fainter as the pair shrank on the horizon:

"Well, my lady, we'd best hurry and collect those Crystal Keys. I'm sure you hate being away from your husband for too long..."

Rosalina giggled again. "Oh, I'm not married. I live alone, except for my Lumas."

"Really?" *$!? wiped condensation from his wooden brow. "How interesting!"

* * *

The Mushroom Kingdom's Rogueport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than the one full of Bzzaps that dangled above the door to the Rogueport inn. The interior of this inn, however, was a surprisingly warm and inviting locale. On the ground floor was an old watering hole known as Podley's Place, where thirsty sailor Bob-ombs and Squeeks gathered to guzzle gallons of delicious, fizzy Chuckola Cola.

Podley's Place also contained a certain long-nosed, purple-haired, yellow-skinned, foppish aristocrat, who between cola-induced belches was busy reciting his one hundred percent factual life's story to all who would listen: "...and we spent hours wandering the strangest of port cities in which everything was painted red, until finally the navigator slapped his forehead and went, 'Ohhhh, you wanted to sail to ROGUE-port!"

But this wasn't the only colorful character in the bar. There was also quite a bizarre duo slouched over the bar's countertop. One was a squat, round man dressed in a shabby-looking black uniform with a giant white X on the chest. He wore white gloves, a flowing red cape, purple pants, and a purple cap with viking-like horns on it. His eyes were hidden behind a pair of goggles, making it difficult to judge his mood at any given time.

And resting on the counter beside him was what appeared to be a large, black egg turned on its side with goggles glued to the bottom and a window showing off the intricate machinery within. You wouldn't have known it was a person if it hadn't been sobbing hysterically.

"I'm a joke... I'm a joke… Gimme another cola."

"I think you've had enough, Sir Grodus." The cape-wearing man gave the disembodied, robotic head a sympathetic pat.

"I used to be an evil mastermind, you know." Grodus made a vain attempt to lap up the last few cola drops from his overturned cup. "I had an entire secret organization at my command. We even had a moon base. _A moon base!_ "

"Mmm hmm." The Beanish bartender gave a polite nod as he cleaned out a glass with a filthy rag. "I'm sure your moon base was very impressive."

"I went to all that trouble to revive the Shadow Queen so we could rule this miserable planet, and what did I get in return? That stupid witch completely emasculated me!"

"There, there, sir." His minion continued to pat his head. "You know I'll build you a new robotic body as soon as I can afford the parts."

"Oh, what's the point, Crump?" Grodus broke down into another round of hysterical sobs. "All of my minions have left me by now."

Crump stroked Grodus's sleek, metal forehead. "All but one, sir," he said softly. "We _will_ return the X-Nauts to their former glory. I swear it."

"Ohhh, Crump," Grodus said, slurred, "maybe this is the cola talking, but- but over these last few months, I feel like the two of us have grown awfully-"

"Hey, excuse me?" cut in the bartender.

Grodus turned to face him, an act that required his disembodied head to bounce in place. "What do you want, Podley?"

"Did I hear you say you're an enemy of the Shadow Queen?" frowned Podley. "The other day, this weird wooden doll walked in here asking about her. He said he needed to collect these thingamabobs to stop her resurrection. I think he called them 'Crystal Keys.'"

" _What?_ " Grodus rolled backwards off the counter in shock, and Crump had to scramble to catch him before he cracked his head / entire body on the floor. "Crystal Keys? Could it be that the Shadow Queen created other mystic items in addition to the Crystal Stars?"

"Hmm..." Crump scratched his chin. "If these so-called Crystal Keys are as powerful as the Crystal Stars, we could harness their power to fuel my machinery. We wouldn't make the mistake of bothering to revive the Shadow Queen again. We could cut out the middleman and enslave the planet ourselves. _Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh!_ "

"That's genius, Crump!" Grodus gave the minion an affectionate nuzzle from within his arms. "Let's hunt for Crystal Keys at once. This could be it! This could be the X-Nauts' chance to reclaim our former digni-"

Before he could finish expressing that sentiment, a stray Chain Chomp pounced out of hiding, grabbed Grodus's head in its maw, and bolted out of the inn.

" _What the-? Put me down, you mutt! Cr_ _uuuuu_ _ump, heeeeeeeelp meeeeeee~~~!_ "

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_ The name "*$!?" was originally typed as "heart, musical note, exclamation mark, question mark" symbols, which is exactly what Geno says his real name is in _Super Mario RPG_ , but unfortunately this website won't allow me to use those symbols. You can see the intended effect over on the Archive of Our Own version of this fanfic. **


	5. Ghosts of the Past

How the heck had Vivian ever found the ruins beneath Rogueport even the tiniest bit scary? Not too long ago, she'd fled them in utter terror after being yelled at by a spooky ghost girl, but now Vivian was strolling right back to the Thousand-Year Door, totally relaxed. Any time a sudden movement or creeping shadow made Vivian so much as flinch, Goombella would crack a joke or make some snark about how nonsensical this rundown old labyrinth was, and she wouldn't lay off on the humor until Vivian was smiling again.

On their way, the two of them passed by a couple of the drifters who'd moved into the sunken town. Unlike the inhabitants of the newer town above, these guys all seemed pleasant and welcoming. That cute fortune-teller, Merluvlee, even waved at Vivian during her morning stroll. Really, there was nothing scary about this place anymore. The patrols of the X-Nauts and Koopa clan had long since abandoned their posts, and Mario and the gang had cleared out every last monster in the Pit of 100 Trials. What was the worst Vivian had to worry about? A stray Spinia? Ghost lady popping out to give her another lecture?

"Well, here we are." Goombella was the first to reach the Door's chamber. Vivian, err, might have been trailing behind her a bit. "Man, it's even bigger than I remembered." Goombella whistled as she took in every detail of the ornate door – which required her to tilt her entire body backwards.

With a _click_ , the flashlight on Goombella's helmet snapped to life. She'd been overjoyed at the opportunity to don her classic archeologist outfit again and wear her silky blonde hair back in a ponytail. It was her trademark, Goombella had said, like Kolorado Koopa's hat and whip. Goombella shined her flashlight through the gap in the door. Enough sunlight leaked in from above to keep the Rogueport sewers lit, but once they entered the palace... Well, it wasn't called the Palace of Broad Daylight, y'know?

"Hmm..." Goombella waddled past the chamber's circular platform to inspect the Thousand-Year Door up close. The surrounding wall was still cracked and the carvings of the Crystal Stars still glowed with colored light from back when Mario had first opened it. The door was also still open a smidge, but not wide enough for them to squeeze inside. "Hey, Viv, gimme a hand here." Goombella tried to wrench the door wider, but apparently the Goombas' weird telekinesis had a weight limit.

"Err, I can try..." Vivian added her own weight to the pool, but it didn't make much of a difference. Vivian hadn't been overflowing with muscular strength even before the estroplasm torpedoed it into oblivion. After what had to have been hours of struggle, the two of them somehow managed to open the door a few more inches.

"I _really_ miss the Crystal Stars' door-opening lightshow..." Goombella promptly squeezed through the gap and into the palace, but Vivian lingered behind to wipe off some sweat (Yes, shadow-people have sweat glands. Don't think about it too hard). Vivian sighed and fanned herself. The last fleeting remnants of Madame Flurrie's perfume had been mercilessly drowned out by body odor.

Without further ado, Vivian took a deep breath and followed her friend into the Palace of Shadow. She wasn't scared. So far, everything had been going off without a hitch. Vivian was sure that trend would continue.

By the time Vivian caught up with her, Goombella was completely entranced by their surroundings. To a trained archeologist, exploring the Palace of Shadow must've been Christmas. The millennium-old structure was almost perfectly intact, and every inch of it was lined with gold. Navy wallpaper offset the dark crimson of the palace's flowing carpet, and a massive chandelier dangled far above their heads. Its candles were burning bright, the same as they'd been the last time Vivian was here. Something about that sent goosebumps down her spine.

"Yep," said Goombella, "this place is exactly as freaky as I remembered."

Vivian managed to smile at her. "I'm just glad I didn't have to come here alone."

"No problem!" Goombella smiled in turn. "You know me. I've always got your back. I'm not scared of any-"

" _YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE!_ "

" _ZOINKS_ _!_ " Goombella sprang into Vivian's arms.

Vivian was positive that shadowy figure hadn't been standing in front of them a second ago. Judging from her voice, she was the same one from before. Vivian's shadowy pulse might have quickened, but she honestly wasn't as startled as Goombella. Vivian had been expecting this, in fact.

"Who are you?" she demanded. "What did you mean when you said forces were conspiring to revive the Shadow Queen?"

" _I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU FOOL!_ " snapped the figure. " _TURN BACK! LEAVE THIS PLACE AND NEVER RETURN! LEAVE WHILE YOU STILL C-_ "

 _Smash_. The spectral figure was cut off by the sound of the Thousand-Year Door slamming shut behind them.

"Hey, what gives?" Goombella wrenched herself out of Vivian's arms, her cheeks flushing. "You want us to leave but then you trap us in here?"

"That wasn't me!" The spectral figure's hood darted around the entrance hall, as if frantically searching for something. "It must be _him_." Her head snapped towards Vivian. "You have to hide. Quickly, before-"

Suddenly, the chamber was filled with cold laughter. Now _Vivian_ jumped into _Goombella's_ arms – an action which left Vivian down on the carpet, nursing her bruised heiney.

" _Too late, sweetheart_ ," said the voice.

Before anyone had time to react, a trap door opened at Vivian and Goombella's feet, and they tumbled downwards. " _Aaaaaaaaaagh-!_ " Well, actually, Goombella tumbled downwards. Vivian had this thing where if the ground suddenly gave out beneath her, the shadow-tendril under her torso would simply elongate until it made contact with the nearest solid object. It was… kinda weird. Now Vivian looked like an incredibly screwed-up giraffe.

" _Goombella!_ " Vivian started to lower herself down into the pit, but she was stopped by an ice-cold ghost-hand gripping her arm.

"No, Shadow Princess!" Beneath her hood, the spectral figure's eyes were visible. Something about them seemed much… _sadder_ than Vivian had expected. "The Black Ghost set a trap for you in the palace's lower regions. You can't fall for it! You're too important!"

Without even stopping to think about it, Vivian smacked the figure's hand away. "Goombella's my best friend!" And that was that. Vivian descended down the trapdoor, her shadow-tendril shortening itself as she went. The moment she was safely below it, the trapdoor closed shut again, leaving the spectral figure far behind.

Unlike the upper floor, the Palace of Shadow's lower region was covered in an unseemly layer of grime. Vivian had to brush off cobwebs as she finally reached the floor below.

"Bella! Are you okay?" The poor Goomba had fallen onto her back, and righting yourself isn't exactly easy when you don't have any arms.

"I'm alright, I'm alright." Goombella blinked and shook herself as Vivian helped her back to her feet. "That fall knocked some HP outta me, that's all." Her flashlight beam crept over their surroundings. "Where the heck are we?"

This region of the Palace of Shadow seemed to be a massive foyer. It held countless doors, each no doubt leading to even more labyrinthine sections of the castle.

"I don't know." Vivian bowed her head. "They say this palace takes up a whole fourth of what was once the ancient sea kingdom. I bet we barely scratched the surface the last time we were here."

"But more importantly, who was that jerk who dropped us down here?"

Goombella's question was quickly answered by the returning sound of cruel laughter. Only this time, it was amplified. Four wads of paper suddenly bounced in front of Vivian and Goombella, and in the blink of an eye, they unfolded. Now the girls' entire field of vision was covered in the papers' inky texture… until four jagged yellow faces appeared on the sheets. Four awfully familiar jagged yellow faces.

" _Whee hee hee hee!_ " one of the faces cackled. "We knew you foolish fools would be foolhardy enough to return here someday!"

"Hey, I remember you guys!" Any drop of fear Goombella might have held had quickly evaporated. "You're those weirdos we freed from the chests!"

"We're pleased you remember us," said another yellow face. "Yes, we are the demons who so cleverly tricked you into freeing us from our chesty prisons."

Vivian jolted. Did he say "demons?" Were these people related to her? Vivian knew you couldn't choose family, but _geez_ ,talk about poor genetic stock.

"Grifty told us about you guys," said Goombella. Grifty was an old minstrel who hung around on rooftops delivering crucial backstory information to anyone who'd cough up the cash. "He said you four used to be heroes until the Shadow Queen locked you away in those chests. Professor Frankly and I have done extensive research, and Grifty's story totally checks out. In fact, we'd kinda like to know where he learned it from..."

"What are you blathering about?" snapped the third yellow face. "Heroes? Utter nonsense! We are cold-blooded villains wholly committed to the causes of evildoing and wickedness! Aren't we, boys?" It turned to the other three faces, who nodded in agreement. "In fact, to prove how eeeeeevil we are, we're going to curse you, just like we cursed your mustachioed friend!"

"You are?" Vivian's face lit up. "Ooh, ooh, turn us into a swan this time!"

"Yeah!" added Goombella. "We could use that to swim or fly around. I bet it'd be super helpful."

" _Helpful?_ " The fourth yellow face scoffed. "Why would our curse do something helpful to you? _Phht_. That's, like, the exact opposite of what the curse will be. A swan. Phht. _Phht._ What kind of idiots do you take us for?"

"No, no, this will be our most terrifying curse yet!" said the first face. "You'll be crying for your mommies every night for the rest of your lives!"

"Therapists will turn you away at the door because they're not skilled enough to handle you!" added the second.

"Oh really?" Goombella cocked an eyebrow. "Alrighty, then, what _is_ this curse? Hit us."

"Well, it's… um… It's a really good one, trust us." The four demons exchanged glances. "First, it's like… uh… uh…"

"From now on-" one of them spoke up.

"-every time you feel depressed, uh..."

"-a floating ice cream cone will magically appear before you!"

"Yes! But… BUT IT WON'T HAVE QUITE AS MANY SPRINKLES AS YOU'D PREFER!"

The demons erupted into another fit of maniacal laughter.

"WHEEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! SUFFER! SUFFER IN YOUR SPRINKLE-DEPRIVED PURGATORY FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

"Oh no," said Goombella. "Please. Anything but that."

But before the chest-demons could cast their horrific curse, a fifth voice swept over the crowd: " _Geez_ , you guys are idiots!"

"B-Boss!" In the blink of an eye, the four demons went from cackling to cowering. Before them, there now appeared yet another dark, shadowy figure, but this one resembled neither the chest demons nor the female spirit. He was a classic "bedsheet ghost," not unlike Doopliss, only twice as tall and with a black sheet instead of a white one. This ghost also lacked the all-important party hat and bow tie, which was like ninety-five percent of Doopliss's charm. The other big difference was that this ghost hovered several feet off the ground, which highlighted the unsettling lack of anything beneath his sheet – even Doopliss at least had a nifty pair of shoes down there. Instead of regular copy paper, this ghost's body was comprised of a single, gigantic facial tissue, which meant the slightest movement caused it to sway wildly, spraying flecks of moisture every which way. Vivian hoped to the stars that wasn't what she thought it was...

The crazed look in his burning yellow eyes left Vivian with no doubt – This was the "Black Ghost" the female spirit had warned her about.

"Can't you guys cast even one simple curse without me holdin' your hands?" The Black Ghost fixed his scowl on all four demons.

"Gosh, we're real sorry boss." The faces of all four demons drooped. "We're trying to be evil like you, but we're no good at it!"

"That's because you're _not_ evil!" spoke up Goombella. "You dedicated your lives to defeating the Shadow Queen, and now this doofus is tricking you into reviving her!"

But she was met only with more scoffs. "Please, I think we'd remember something like that."

"Do you even remember _anything_ from before you got locked in those chests?"

The demons looked genuinely disarmed. "Well, no, but..."

"Guys, guys, don't listen to Blondie No-arms here," cut in the Black Ghost. "She just doesn't want you to use your awesome curse on her!"

Vivian had been hanging back behind Goombella, but suddenly she found herself in front. "I won't let you hurt my friend!" A tongue of flame danced from Vivian's fingertips to punctuate the point.

"Well, well, well, aren't we a brave one?" This had the desired effect of shifting the Black Ghost's attention away from Goombella. Unfortunately, it also resulted in him swooping down to invade Vivian's personal space. "Eyes hidden… purple, shadowy skin… Hmm, a little more broad-shouldered than I'd have thought, but there's no doubt about it – You're the spitting image o' your old lady! The spawn of her cold, vacuumous loins! You're one of the Shadow Princesses!"

"We-We're the Shadow _Sirens_." Vivian should've toasted the Black Ghost's butt by now, but instead she found herself shrinking under his gaze and subconsciously measuring the width of her shoulders.

"Great, you've established who Vivian is," said Goombella. "Good for you. Now why don't you tell us who _you_ are?"

"Moi?" The Black Ghost touched the edge of his sheet to his center, as if placing a hand over his heart. "Well…" His glowing eyes fell on Goombella's outfit. "...let's say I'm a sort of archeologist, like you."

"I _seriously_ doubt you have a degree."

"See, the Shadow Queen left a ton of awesome goodies after her untimely demises," the Black Ghost continued, ignoring her, "and the awesomest goodie of all is sitting right behind me." He gestured to the largest door in the foyer, which was indeed situated directly behind his inky posterior. It wasn't a quarter as big as the Thousand-Year Door, but it was nothing to sneeze at, either, and, most notably, it contained a set of seven locks all stacked vertically. "I don't even know what's in there, but that door is sealed with some epic-level anti-intrusion wards. Queenie wouldn'ta gone through all that trouble unless she was hidin' somethin' _really_ good, ya follow me? Maybe even more powerful than the Crystal Stars."

The Black Ghost floated between our two heroines, putting his icky cloth on each of their shoulders (or the side of her head, in Goombella's case). "And the only way to open that door is by collectin' all seven Crystal Keys. See, it's the same spell that the four heroes later used to seal the Shadow Queen away." He shot Vivian a knowing smirk. "Funny how her creations keep shootin' her in the foot like that."

"Wait a minute!" said one of the chest-demons. "So there _were_ four legendary heroes?"

For the briefest of moments, the Black Ghost lost his cool. "Uh… N-No, of course not! These chicks are just using, err… reverse psychology on ya."

"Ohhh." The demon smiled. "Well, we're too smart to fall for that!"

"Yes you are. Now then-" The Black Ghost turned back to the girls. "-as I was sayin', I been lookin' for those Crystal Keys ever since my four non-heroic friends here freed me and that wet blanket chick from the Shadow Queen's imprisonment."

"What?" Vivian gave a start. "So you and that ghost girl were sealed away by the Shadow Queen?"

"Did I stutter, lady? Now, I haven't had much luck findin' these keys myself..." A disheartening smirk spread across the Black Ghost's face. "...but the work'll go faster now that I've got two extra pairs o' hands. Well, one extra pair o' hands and a Goomba. You get the idea."

Goombella snorted. "Really? And why would we help you?"

The cut in the tissue that served as the Black Ghost's mouth stretched into a grin. "I was hopin' you'd ask that." He turned back to the chest-demons. "Boys! Curse time!"

"Hurray!"

"Finally!"

"Curse time is my favorite time of day!"

The Black Ghost swooshed in front of an alarmed Vivian and Goombella, pointing theatrically at them. "Henceforth, you broads are CURSED! Cursed to wander the Palace of Shadow FOREVER until you've brought me all seven Crystal Keys!"

"H-Hey, wait a minute!" Goombella tried to sound calm, but she also huddled closer to Vivian. "I didn't think these guys could give, like, _actual bad_ curses!"

Apparently, they could.

" _Buggly-wuggly-WOOOOOOOO!_ "

" _Oogly-googly-BOO!_ "

" _BE CUUUUUUUURSED!_ "

" _B-E C-U-R-S-E-D!_ "

Vivian had never been cursed before, so she hadn't known what to expect. Well, she'd been cursed _at_ by Beldam, but that wasn't quite the same thing. As it turned out, the curse made Vivian's whole body feel like ice. She seized up, paralyzed, but after a second, the effect dissipated. Vivian swallowed. Could she and Goombella really not leave the Palace of Shadow now? Would they spent the rest of their days trapped in these halls?

No. _No_. Vivian's lip was trembling. Why did she have to drag Goombella into this? She was so selfish… She should've known there'd be a risk...

Goombella, however, was less perturbed. "This is SO UNFAIR!" she shouted at the top of her Goomba-sized lungs. "How do you even know the Crystal Keys are all _in_ this dingy old castle? If even one of them is outside the palace, we'll never be able to get it and we'll be stuck here forever!"

"Ha! Sucks to be you!" The four chest-demons wadded themselves back into paper balls and swooped away to parts unknown, leaving the girls alone with the Black Ghost.

"Oh, don't you worry your pink little head about it," the Black Ghost smirked. "I've got that covered, Blondie. See, the Shadow Queen left a way to teleport to each of her Crystal Keys, probably in case there was an emergency and she needed to unlock this mystery weapon of hers. And so, if you do a bit of explorin', you'll find magical paintings all over the palace – paintings that show where each Crystal Key is located. All you gotta do is hop inside 'em, and you'll find yourself in whatever world they depict, which, for the purposes o' your curse, doesn't count as leavin' the palace. Oh, but don't get smart and try to take a Warp Pipe home the instant you enter a painting. Trust me, it won't work."

"Good plan," spoke up Vivian, "but there's a flaw in it." She took a deep breath, mustering her courage. "We'll never collect the Crystal Keys for you! We'd rather rot in here than let the Shadow Queen revive again!"

"Revive?" The Black Ghost blinked. "Who said anything about revivin' her? The Shadow Queen sealed me away, remember? I hate that broad! Besides, the Crystal Keys were like her prototype Crystal Stars. If you revived her usin' those, she wouldn't be anywhere near her full power."

"But- But-!" Vivian faltered. Gee whiz, it _did_ seem like collecting those Crystal Keys was their best option. But… that ghost girl had said...

"Any other dumb questions?"

"Yes," said Goombella, "I have several-"

"Too bad! Smell you later! See ya when you've got all the keys!" And with that, the Black Ghost vanished in a plume of dark fog.

" _Aaaaargh! Get back here, you jerk!_ " Goombella spent the next several minutes chewing out the empty air. When she finally spent her energy, she turned back to Vivian. "Hey, you don't think he was bluffing, do you? We really can't leave the palace now?"

Vivian feebly shook her head. "I don't think the Thousand-Year Door will open again until we give him the Crystal Keys."

"Well, we at least got a head start." Goombella retrieved the Diamond Crystal Key from its hiding spot in her jacket. "Guess we'd better look for those portrait thingies he mentioned. And, hey, maybe we'll come up with a plan to stop him while we search." Vivian nodded but said nothing.

Without further ado, the duo set off to explore the Palace of Shadow. Like the palace's upper region, its basement level was packed to the brim with death traps, each more horrible than the last. Even walking across a simple hallway required them to duck under Fire Bars, hop over spike pits, and battle the occasional Phantom Ember and Swoopula. The girls' Star Points began to see a steady increase, but their Heart Points didn't fare as well.

After one particularly close encounter, Vivian found her lips quivering again. "Goombella… I'm so sorry I got you involved." As she spoke, Vivian handed her their last Ultra Shroom. "I didn't realize the danger I'd be putting you in."

"What, are you kidding?" Goombella beamed, nuzzling Vivian's side. "I haven't had this much fun in forever! This is way better than college!"

Vivian found herself laughing. "I wish I was as brave as you."

Goombella was about to say something, but she stopped as they pushed through the next door. "Hey, look, is that-?" In the room before them was a massive portrait, bigger than Vivian's entire body. And depicted within was a bustling college campus packed with tiny, armless chestnut-people.

"The University of Goom!" Vivian drifted closer to examine the portrait. "This has to be one of the magic pictures the Black Ghost mentioned."

"Figures." Gombella sighed as she waddled towards the portrait. "We finally find a picture, and it goes to the key we already got." She held up the Diamond Key… but the instant she did, the portrait started to glow a brilliant white. "Hey, what the-?"

"Agh!" Vivian shielded her eyes. Light wasn't exactly her element.

After a minute, she lowered her arms… only to discover that her surroundings had totally transformed. Vivian stumbled backwards, shocked. The image of the campus had been swapped out for that of a beautiful human girl. Her curly hair was a pale pink, which dovetailed nicely with the darker pink of her irises, and her skin was a shade away from albino. She couldn't have been older than six, and, judging from her crown and undoubtedly expensive mauve dress, she was a royal of some sort. From her face, Vivian would guess this girl hadn't been thrilled at the prospect of sitting still for hours for the portrait. And… there was something about her...

"Uh, Viv, tell me I'm not the only one seeing this."

Vivian was shaken back to the present by the voice of Goombella. She spun around and followed Goombella's gaze, taking in the rest of their surroundings. Where once this room had been dank, dark, and covered in cobwebs, now it was clean and bright, every inch of it spotless, meticulously polished- Wait, _bright?_ Vivian's head snapped to a nearby window. A second ago it'd been filled with dirt, but now the window was instead filled with sunlight.

Which would mean… they'd been transported at least a thousand years into the past.

"Did we… time travel?" Before Goombella could ponder this, the door opened and a trio of people walked into the room- "Oh, uh, excuse me-" -and directly through Goombella's body. "Eek! Are you ghosts or something?"

"I think..." Vivian's hand passed through a marble table like it wasn't there. "... _we're_ the ghosts here. This is some kind of vision. And these people are…" She gave a start. The little girl standing before her was undoubtedly the one from the portrait, and at her sides were an older man and woman, both equally pale and dressed in a crown and fancy purple robes. From the way they held themselves, there was no doubt they were royalty.

" _Please_ , can I go?" the little girl was saying. Her front teeth were missing, giving her a slight lisp. "Look, it's perfect weather for the beach! All my friends will be there!" She pointed straight through Vivian to the window behind, where there was a stunning view of the crystal-clear ocean. Even though this was a lower region of the castle, it'd apparently still been way up high off the ground a thousand years ago.

"Now, dear," her father, the king, said firmly. He had a strong brow and a boyish face, and his short hair was more of a reddish-pink than the others. And like any worthwhile king, he rocked a flowing pink mustache. "You know you can't skip your magic tutoring. It's integral that you master these defensive spells, and true mastery can take more than a lifetime of study. Frankly, we're giving you too much free time as it is..."

" _A lifetime?_ " The princess's lips began to quiver – not unlike Vivian's had been doing a minute ago. "But that's not fair!"

The king sighed. "I know it isn't, dear, but I _showed you_ the relevant pages of the Dark Prognosticus. A disaster is coming for our kingdom. We don't know where, we don't know when, but… the people of our royal bloodline are the most powerful sorcerers in all the land. That makes it _our_ responsibility to protect this kingdom from whatever may befall it."

"I don't _want_ that responsibility!" The princess let out a frustrated shriek as she threw out her hands. Without warning, the expensive-looking marble table burst into flames. Even though this was a vision, Vivian detected the faint scent of burning paper.

" _Your highness, you know better than that!_ " A quick wave of the king's hand summoned a cottonball-cloud to extinguish the flames with a rain of blue paper-shreddings.

The princess's shoulders were heaving. Her face was now wet, and not from the rain. "I… I am sorry, father. Forgive- Forgive-" She couldn't finish the apology because she was bawling too wildly.

"Oh no..." The king drew closer to his wife, his stache drooping. "I've upset her again."

The queen squeezed his hand. She was stunningly beautiful despite, or perhaps because of, her age. Strands of grayish-purple paper clippings tumbled off her head for hair, topped with a tall, golden crown studded with jewels. "It's alright, dear, I can handle this."

The king smiled at her. "What would I do without you?"

The queen smiled back, then dropped to her knees to meet her daughter's eyes. "Honey? Honey, you're right, the world isn't fair, but that's why our family must work so very hard to _make_ it fair, not for ourselves, but for all the other people of this kingdom." Slowly, reluctantly, the princess returned her gaze. "You care for your friends down on the beach, don't you?"

"Y-Yes..."

"And if they were in danger, you would do anything to protect them, wouldn't you?"

"But Mama, it's- it's _hard!_ " The princess broke down into another round of tears.

"I know it is, baby, I know it is..." The queen stroked the girl's hair, kissing her forehead. "But I have faith in you. I know you'll be there for this kingdom when it needs you. Hush now, dry your eyes..." As she spoke, the queen retrieved something from the folds of her robes.

The princess's face lit up. "Oh, it's beautiful!"

Resting in the queen's hand was a small, ornate box. It was a simple crank in a stand, above which were china figures of two women holding each other. "I once shouldered the same burdens you do, my sweet, and whenever the weight grew too much for me to bear, my mother would sing to me to the tune of this music box."

The princess watched, transfixed, as her mother twisted the crank. The women on the box began to rotate, filling the room with slow, delicate music. The way it made Vivian feel was… impossible to describe. And, then, as if there weren't enough emotions welling up inside Vivian's chest, the girl's mother started to sing:

" _My love for you can't die, can it?_

 _For our bond is strong as granite._

 _You're my sun, moon, stars, and planet._

 _You're my precious..._ "

But the more the woman sang, the fainter her voice became. All around Vivian and Goombella, the world was growing darker and cobwebs were sprouting. The next thing Vivian knew, they were back in the musty old backroom of the Palace of Shadow.

"Whoa, that was intense!" For a second, Goombella was pumped. Then she noticed Vivian. "Uh, Viv… you okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine." Vivian touched her hand to her face, which caused a damp spot to appear on her glove. "Let's get out of here."


	6. Ladies Night

Vivian and Goombella had spent the past twenty minutes exploring the Palace of Shadow in silence. It wasn't like they were ignoring each other or anything. They were just being quiet. Well, actually, the truth was that Vivian was a little scared to talk right now. Her chin was still trembling, so she feared any attempt at communication would come out as a series of high-pitched squeaks. In the time they'd known each other, Goombella had gained an uncanny knack for telling when Vivian was upset (Maybe she was Tattling on her in secret?). Vivian could only assume Goombella was keeping quiet right now because she sensed Vivian needed some space.

Vivian slid a glove beneath her bangs. Yep, still damp. Why was Vivian so worked up over this, anyways? To be fair, it didn't take much to make Vivian cry, but this was some random girl she'd never known. A princess who'd died a millennium ago. That was sensitive even for Vivian. So why did that vision make her heart ache?

Maybe it wasn't the people in the vision itself, but what they were doing. A mother had comforted her child. Made her feel like she wasn't miserable and worthless. Vivian had never seen that before. It was such an unfamiliar sensation to her. Somehow, right now, Vivian wanted nothing more than to be back in that room… to listen to the music box one last-

" _Viv, look out!_ "

"Wha-?"

Vivian felt something warm touch her backside, and the next instant, she and Goombella were standing onstage before a packed crowd. Before Vivian's shadow-brain had time to process this, she found herself engulfed in a wave of green fire. " _Eeek!_ "

"Stupid Phantom Ember snuck up on you!" Goombella quickly Headbonked the green sprite to death, causing it to erupt into a pile of Star Points over the crowd's applause. "Phew, good thing I wore my _Ice Power P_ badge." Goombella gestured to the Mr. Blizzard-shaped badge pinned to the inside of her jacket. "Gotta remember to thank Ms. Mowz later..." She turned to Vivian as the stage around them vanished, transporting them back to the palace. "Be more careful next time, 'kay?"

"Sorry, guess I was spacing out." Vivian hurriedly stamped out the green flames before they could consume her whole body. As someone with a command over it, Vivian wasn't hurt by fire, exactly, but that didn't mean she wanted to cover herself in the stuff. Vivian ate a mushroom she'd managed to scavenge, causing the burned-out hole in her middle to magically fill itself with fresh paper and purple ink. Vivian dusted off soot, and then the duo continued their journey down the palace halls.

"Soooo," Goombella said as they walked, "anything you need to talk about?"

Vivian nodded slowly. Now that her pulse was up, she was feeling better about her prospects of forming coherent sentences. "That princess. That vision. Something about it was so..."

"Yeah, tell me about it!" Goombella started speaking a little too quickly. "That was huge! The royalty of the ancient kingdom _knew_ about its impending doom? Do you realize the ramifications that'll have in the archaeological community?" She faltered. "That is, if I can prove to them I actually _saw_ that vision and didn't make the whole thing up..."

"There's still so much we don't understand, though." Vivian's hat drooped. "But that vision… that princess... had to have been important. I know it."

Goombella nodded – or lurched her whole body forward, rather. "You're right. It was a piece of the puzzle. If we can find more visions like that, maybe we can figure out what's going on around here. What the deal is with all the spirits haunting this place. How exactly they got-" As she spoke, Goombella's foot hit a discolored spot on the rug.

 _Shing_. A solid layer of spikes promptly erupted from the far wall.

"-killed."

And these weren't measly paper spikes that'd give nothing worse than a nasty paper cut, mind you. Apparently, the Shadow Queen has sprung for spikes made of metallic Things (actually stray nails, paperclips, and even parts of a hole-puncher that'd fallen into the storybook from the outside world). No sooner had Vivian and Goombella come to appreciate this fact than the wall of spikes rushed towards them.

" _RUUUUUUUUUUN-!_ "

"Goombella, wait!" Before Vivian could pull her into the safety of the Shadow Veil, Goombella was already sprinting down the hallway.

"On the bright side," said a random Dry Bones stuck to the spike wall, "it's way easier to store me inside three-ring binders now!"

"Goombella!" Vivian floated after her friend as fast as her shadowy body would carry her, but it wasn't enough. The spike wall was closing in on them.

"Hey, look, a door!" At the last possible minute, Goombella dived through a doorway, and Vivian dived after her.

 _Slam_. The sound of the spikes ramming into the hallway's far wall reverberated throughout the palace.

Vivian turned to Goombella. Between bouts of panting, she managed to say, "Y-You could've gotten in my Shadow Veil."

"Oh." Goombella's face had gone even pinker than usual. "Right. Forgot about that."

Vivian shot her a wry smile. "Be more careful next time, 'kay?"

Goombella returned the smile. "Guess I space out sometimes, too."

Once the girls' hearts quit attempting to explode out of their chests, they took in their new surroundings. This room was largely the same as the last one they'd been in… complete with a massive portrait hanging on the wall.

"Sweet! We found the next picture!" Goombella waddled towards it, causing the image to ripple as she neared.

"What is that?" Vivian stared at the landscape on the canvas – a bustling city street, in the middle of which was a building covered in neon lights that single-handedly illuminated the night sky. "It seems so modern… How did the Shadow Queen hide the Crystal Keys in places like here or at your college? They didn't exist a thousand years ago."

"Hmm..." Goombella pondered this for a moment. "I think these are magic pictures that show the general location of the Crystal Keys, wherever they happen to be. Remember, the Diamond Key was only at my college because Goombich brought it there."

"Oh, good point."

"And to answer your other question, that's _The Mushy Mushroom_." Goombella gave Vivian a look. "It's only, like, the most famous nightclub in the Mushroom Kingdom."

Vivian failed to meet her eyes. "I, err, don't get out much..."

"Really?" Goombella smiled again and nudged Vivian's shoulder with her limbless torso. "Well, looks like this is your first time going clubbing, then."

Vivian's face flushed. "Gee whiz..."

Before Vivian had time to process this, Goombella was already diving into the magic portrait, and Vivian was diving in after her. As much as she hated the idea of being in a packed nightclub, Vivian hated the idea of being left alone in the Palace of Shadow even more.

"HERE WE GOOOOOOOO!"

As it turned out, commerce via magic portrait wasn't that different from commerce via Warp Pipe. Everything became a blur around Vivian as she sailed through the air, and when the world finally slowed to a halt, it had totally transformed. The cold air hit her skin almost as soon as it hit her nostrils. This was nice, actually. For the first time in hours, she was outside in the fresh air – Well, okay, maybe not _fresh_ air, per se. This was a bustling city, after all. The amount of smog was matched only by the amount of horns honking on the road. Still, anywhere beat the Palace of Shadow.

Vivian shot Goombella a bemused smirk. "Did you just yell, 'Here we go?'"

Goombella's cheeks went pure crimson. "It's less weird when Mario says it..."

The "M-word" generated a small, solemn silence. Vivian struggled to admit it aloud, but she missed her muscley-armed plumber. With him there, everything had seemed right with the world. Mario had always known what to do. He never would've spaced out and made dumb mistakes like Vivian and Goombella had.

"Whoa, check this out!" Goombella tried to walk away from the building before them, only to smack her face into an invisible wall. "The Black Ghost wasn't kidding. Guess we're stuck here until we find the Crystal Key." There were other Toads, humans, and various other city folk passing through the invisible wall without incident, so it seemed it only applied to Vivian and Goombella.

"But what if the Crystal Key leaves the nightclub before we can find it?"

"Dunno. Maybe the invisible wall exists in, like, a wide radius around the key, and it'll drag us along the edge as it moves." Goombella's brow furrowed. "Gee, if that's true, I hope nobody takes the key on an airplane or something."

"We'll just have to get the Crystal Key before it leaves the building, then." Vivian took a deep breath. "So… to the nightclub?"

Goombella nodded. "To the nightclub."

Vivian tried to muster her courage, but the dread bubbling in the pit of her shadowy stomach only grew as the girls approached the building. It didn't help that the nightclub's entrance was guarded by a blue, scaly bouncer who easily quadrupled Vivian in size.

"H-Hey there." Even Goombella seemed to lose her usual confidence as they approached him. "We're here for… uh..."

The Kremling's eyes were hidden behind a pair of shades, making it impossible to get a read of him. After a heart-racing moment of silence, he said, "For ladies' night? Come on in!" He stepped aside without another word.

Goombella shot Vivian a triumphant look as they waltzed inside. It was the closest a Goomba could come to a thumbs up.

Entering the club felt like getting punched in the chest. The sounds in here were enough to make the walls shake, and those were made of solid cardboard. There were Koopas out on the dance floor, Toads overindulging at the cola bar, and from the ceiling, a booming voice constantly chattering: " _Hope you're having a good time out there, ladies. This is DJ 'Henry' Yoshi reminding you that women drink free every Friday night here at The Mushy Mushroom. Up next, we'll be playing an oldie but goodie, the Ground Theme_ _from World 1-1_ _..._ "

And here's the worst part: There weren't that many women here, which meant the instant a beautiful girl like Goombella and even a homely one like Vivian entered the premises, every male eye (and a couple female ones) was upon them. This sent Vivian into full-on panic mode, a process which involved becoming extremely quiet, standing up straight with her shoulders back, wearing a pleasant smile, and trying her hardest to look like she wasn't in full-on panic mode. Stupid Crystal Keys. Stupid Black Ghost. Why did Vivian have to come back to the Thousand-Year Door? She could've been locked in her room playing video games with the blinds drawn right now!

And then something caught Vivian's gaze that _really_ made her squirm. Ohhhhh, goodness, this wasn't just any nightclub. There were miniature stages littered all across the dance floor, and atop these stages were… performers.

Vivian's face had gone from purple to red in a matter of seconds. She covered her mouth with both hands but couldn't stop herself from blurting out, "That- That's LEWD!"

"Yeah, look at that." Goombella followed Vivian's gaze to the stages, then let out a whistle. "I don't think those Shy Guys are very shy at all."

In fact, none of the performers on stage were doing things considered acceptable by polite society. There were green-shelled Koopa Troopas who stopped at the edge of their platform and turned back around, red-shelled Troopas who walked off the edges, Thwomps who moved horizontally, Hammer Bros. who threw comfy pillows, and even Boos who brazenly stared passerby directly in the eye.

When one of the Boos made eye contact with a girl in the crowd, the girl squealed in delight and tossed fistfuls of gold coins onto his stage (Had Vivian been more learned in politics, she might have recognized this girl as Princess Daisy). " _Eeeee! I love you, Boorad!_ "

And the kicker was, Vivian was the only person visibly bothered by this. All the other clubgoers seemed to whoop and cheer and actively enjoy the blatant lechery on display. In fact… now that Vivian thought about it, even Goombella seemed to be having the time of her life.

"Isn't this great?" She bounced up and down with excitement, her ponytail flapping wildly. "I've always wanted to go here, but I've been way too busy with my studies." But then she looked down at herself. "Hmm, wish I'd worn a cuter outfit, though." With a pop, she removed her helmet and jacket and undid her ponytail. The items vanished into hammerspace, leaving behind a hot young Goomba co-ed with silky blonde locks falling over her body. She wore shorts, an undershirt, and little else.

Vivian blushed and made an effort not to ogle her best friend. Of course, technically Vivian herself was wearing nothing but a hat and gloves, but the rules of nakedness were different for shadow-people.

"C'mon!" said Goombella. "We get free drinks!" Vivian felt a sudden lurch as her friend telekinetically grabbed her arm.

Vivian couldn't help but smile at Goombella's enthusiasm. Look at her. Goombella wasn't freaking out at all. She was right at home here. Really, wasn't this a good thing? Sure, being cursed wasn't fun, but it'd given Vivian the chance to get out more. A little socialization wouldn't hurt her. And besides, Goombella would be right beside her the whole time. This was fine. Vivian could do this.

The girls marched right up to the bar and sat down. The bartender was a tall, lanky human whose cap and undershirt were colored in with purple marker, not dissimilar from Vivian's shadow-skin. He had a big, pink nose and a thin, wavy mustache.

The bartender gave the girls a toothy smile as they approached. " _Wah_ -t would you like to drink?"

Goombella cleared her throat. "Two Chuckola Colas for my friend and me."

As the bartender prepared their drinks, Vivian found her attention drifting to some of the bar's other patrons. One of them was another human, one who rivaled the bouncer in size. He had freakishly big hands and brown scribbles for hair.

"I can't be seen here," he said between anxious sips of cola. "I'm a Disney character. I'm supposed to stay family-friendly!"

"Sucks to be you," said the reddish-brown squirrel in the blue jacket sitting beside him, right before taking a huge swig.

"Here-a you go!" Vivian was shaken from her eavesdropping by the bartender handing the girls a pair of glasses full of crimson liquid. Weird, it didn't seem as fizzy as Chuckola Cola usually was. Maybe it'd gone flat? Nevertheless, Goombella took a sip of hers, though Vivian herself was more preoccupied with inspecting the reflection in her drink's surface.

Vivian looked pretty, didn't she? Goombich had seemed confident she was cisgender, and even the Black Ghost had called her a princess. But Vivian probably didn't smell too good after all that time in the musty old palace. Hmm, hold up, she might've had some perfume in her purse. Vivian retrieved said purse from its storage within her Shadow Veil, then started rummaging around. The purse was a cute shade of pink that matched her hat, but Vivian wasn't confident about her odds of finding the perfume in it. Things that went into her purse rarely came back out.

" _Whoa_." Goombella's eyes went wide as she took another sip. "This- This doesn't taste like soda at all!"

"It's-a the original version of Chuckola Cola from-a the Japanese release of _TTYD_ ," the bartender explained, his chest puffing out proudly. "It was-a censored in the _wah_ -stern version."

"Awesome!" This revelation prompted Goombella to take another sip of her glass. "That stuff's super hard to come by! And we can get as much as we want for free!" She shot Vivian a look of utmost delight before taking a considerably less modest sip.

"Um, Goombella..." Vivian gave her a strained smile. "This club seems fun and all, but we're really supposed to be finding that Crystal Key..."

"Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it, Viv." As she spoke, Goombella accidentally took a swig of Vivian's cola instead of her own. "There's no time limit on finding the keys, and it's not like I'm anxious to get teleported back to the palace anyways. Relax, live a little! We got this."

"If- If you're sure, Bella..." Vivian stared at her glass for a moment, then slid it towards Goombella, surrendering it. "You're drinking an awful lot, though. Are you sure you can hold that much cola?"

"Nah, don't worry, I'm fine." Goombella took an additional three sips over the course of that sentence. "You've gotta learn to relax Vivian. Viv. Vivvie." She broke out into a fit of giggles. "That's your problem, y'know. You let yourself get all wound up like- like the gears in that big clock back at Riverside Station." Goombella began swaying back and forth as she spoke. "All those endlessly moving gears working hard day and night to keep a lonely clock running, counting out the endless progression of hours, heard by no one..." Somewhere during the course of her speech, Goombella had ended up leaning against Vivian's shoulder. "You can't let yourself be a clock gear, Viv."

Vivian blinked. Wow. She hadn't expected such a profound statement from Goombella.

"You're right!" Vivian made a dramatic exit from her seat. "I'm not a clock gear! I'm young! I'm pretty! Now's the time to have fun with my life!"

"Now you're talking!" Goombella exited her seat as well, albeit with considerably less grace. "Whoo hoo! Party time!" Goombella once again grabbed Vivian's arm, this time dragging her to the dance floor. "HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOO~!"

The next several minutes (hours?) were a blur. Even though Vivian hadn't drunk a single sip of the uncensored cola, she felt downright giddy. She was dancing – dancing _well_ , no less! And- And people were starting to watch her and Goombella. They were hot! Vivian was hot! Even though Vivian didn't have any legs and Goombella didn't have any arms, they were still able to bust out some incredible moves. Vivian had never even danced before, but the song the band of primates were performing up on the stage was so catchy, so easy to dance to… (" _So_ _they're_ _finally here, performing for you! If you know the words, you can join in too!_ ")

Eventually, the girls were forced to collapse onto a table to catch their breath.

"This- This is great!" Sweat was dripping down Goombella's forehead. Naturally, she cooled off by taking another sip of uncensored cola.

Vivian smiled at her, and, for once, she actually showed off her pearly white yet-no-less-shadowy teeth. "I'm having the time of my life."

"Yeah..." Goombella giggled. "Just a couple of gal pals hanging out at the club together… dancing..."

"That's right." Vivian chuckled, wiping sweat from her brow. "Just a couple of… gal pals. BFFs."

There was a brief silence.

" _Okay I'm just gonna throw this out there I think there's romantic tension between us._ " All of a sudden, Goombella was going a million words a minute.

"W-What?" Vivian was, suffice to say, caught off guard. "Romantic?"

" _D_ _ang it I shouldn't have said that forget I said anything I've had too much_ _cola_ _and I don't even know if I'm into chicks anyways but everyone tells me college is the time to experiment_ _and_ _you seem so cool and_ _nice_ _and you say 'gee whiz' unironically_ _which is_ _adorable and_ _I don't_ _even_ _know if you're into chicks either because you're- you're- y'know..._ " Goombella trailed off, out of steam.

"...trans?" Vivian finished. Goombella nodded. "It's okay to say it right now. I can barely hear myself think over this music, anyways." She sighed, then took a breath. "Well, I was stealing Beldam's makeup when I was six, so I guess I was 'experimenting' a lot earlier than college." She let out a breathless laugh. "But really, being trans is a whole different animal from a romantic orientation. I mean, at first Beldam thought that being trans and being gay were like the exact same thing, but I told her I wished I _was_ gay because that would've been a _whole_ _lot_ less expensive."

The girls shared a halfhearted chuckle at this.

"But…" Vivian bowed her head, hiding her face beneath the rim of her witch's hat. "...that doesn't mean I'm not attracted to men. I am." One man, in particular. Really, Vivian needed to tell her. Goombella deserved to know the truth – Vivian couldn't possibly fall in love with her. Vivian's heart already belonged to a certain Italian. "And as for whether or not I'm attracted to women, well..."

"Y'know what? It doesn't matter!" Goombella cut in. "I shouldn't have even brought this up in the first place." Her eyes clamped shut. "I'm- I'm _not_ into you romantically. I was just looking for a rebound, and you deserve better than that. The truth is… I couldn't possibly fall in love with you. My heart already belongs to someone."

"Really?" Vivian drew back in her seat. She hadn't expected such a dramatic statement from Goombella.

"When I first came to Rogueport, I was so lonely, and then he saved me from the X-Nauts." Goombella's eyes remained shut, as if she was talking more to herself than to Vivian. "He came into my life out of nowhere, and then suddenly we were going on an epic adventure together, and- and it was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, but for him it must've been totally average. I mean, have you _seen_ how many times he's rescued Princess Peach? And falling in love with him is such a stupid thing to do anyways because everyone knows Peach is his true love! Really, how could he-?" Slowly, her eyes reopened. They were wet. "How could he resist her? She's a gorgeous human. I'm a Goomba." Her last words sounded dead and hollow, as if all the pep Goombella had felt a moment ago had been sucked dry: "I must look hideous to him."

Vivian had to keep her jaw from hanging open. "Bella..." Her words were barely audible over the club's music (" _Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells! Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells!_ _AHH YEAH_ _!_ "). "That's not true. You're beautiful. I- I had no idea you felt like-"

But before she could finish, Goombella sprang out of her seat. "Ugh, I'm such an idiot! Forget I said anything! I'm gonna go drink that free cola until I can't remember this conversation anymore!"

"Bella, wait-!" But Goombella was already sprinting across the dance floor. Vivian tried to float after her, but she was quickly blocked by a dancer.

"Hey, babe." It was a Boo – one of the ones who stared brazenly at people, and he'd apparently chosen to fix his gaze upon Vivian. Her heart had already been pounding, and this really didn't help matters. "What's a pretty thing like you doing out here all alone?"

"I- I was following my friend-" Vivian made a vain attempt to push past the Boo, but then she froze. Gosh, had he really just called her pretty? He must have only been saying that to be polite. Or maybe he'd noticed she was upset and wanted to make Vivian feel better. Yeah, that was it. In reality, Vivian must have looked… hideous… to him. Wait.

"How about it, babe?" The Boo extended a stubby little arm towards her. "Fancy a dance? The name's Boorad. What's yours? It must be Gorgeous McGorgeousface because that's what you are."

Vivian's face could fry an egg. She couldn't deny it, this Boo was far from ugly. Bits of his white ectoplasm stuck out of his head to form perfectly-styled "ghost hair." In fact, Boorad looked like he belonged on a _Sexiest Man Undead_ cover.

"A-A dance?" Vivian had to admit, now was the perfect time for one. The DJ had started playing an incredibly hot dance song (" _Swing your arms from side to side! Come on, it's time to go..._ ").

Wait, hadn't Vivian been doing something important a second ago? It was… so hard to remember… when she was busy getting lost in Boorad's gorgeous black eyes.

"Yeah. Sure. I'll dance with you if- if you want to."

"Awesome." A lecherous grin spread over Boorad's face as those gorgeous black eyes of his examined every inch of Vivian's body. Had Vivian's throat been this dry a second ago? She swallowed a little harder than she meant to.

And then something bad happened. You see, complements from cute boys had a way of turning Vivian's insides into melted butter. And when Vivian's insides turned into melted butter, she tended to let her guard down. And, well, gee, how can I explain this? There was a certain… thing… that happened as a result of Vivian's actions. A certain, err, bit of flesh that was unexpectedly rendered visible. One that, in a, err, purely biological sense, acted as a sort of shorthand that allowed those who observed it to quickly surmise that its owner was male, biologically speaking.

Her Adam's apple. I'm talking about her Adam's apple.

He'd seen it. Vivian had allowed Boorad into her personal space, and then she'd swallowed way too hard, and he'd seen it. The one remaining part of her face that could still out her after her laser hair removal. Vivian hadn't bothered dealing with it because it was usually hard to spot and because surgery was expensive, especially for a unique race like a shadow-person.

And there was no doubt he'd seen it. It was written all over Boorad's face. The way he'd gone from bedroom eyes to recoiling in disgust in a fraction of a second. And if that'd been all, it would've been super awkward, but Vivian would've lived. Except that _wasn't_ all. Apparently, Boorad couldn't help himself. He was so shocked, he had to scream.

And, of course, exactly one second prior to said scream, the background music decided to come to an abrupt end, leaving the entire club in dead silence. The perfect environment for Boorad's scream to carry to the ears of every last clubgoer in _The Mushy Mushroom_ whether they wanted to hear it or not:

" _YOU'RE A DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE?!_ "


	7. Player One

"What are you talking about? I'm obviously a girl, not that it's any of your business! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a more polite person to dance with."

That's what Vivian _wanted_ to say. What _actually_ came out of her mouth was a series of strangled gurgling noises.

"Eww, gross! You tricked me!" Apparently, having every eye in the club on him only egged Boorad on.

" _Y-You_ asked to dance with _me_..." Vivian was shocked she could make her voice work at all. She had a feeling her face had more red than purple right about now.

Vivian couldn't keep herself from glancing at the surrounding crowd. From a rational viewpoint, she knew that she wasn't anything special, and people had better things to do than stare at some random girl. The vast majority of the clubgoers ignored Boorad's outburst and went back to their drinking and dancing. The problem was, Vivian's social anxiety didn't care what her rational viewpoint had to say. The handful of snickers the outburst had earned from the crowd was more than enough to twist Vivian's stomach into a pretzel.

Even worse, a couple people even came forward to Boorad's "defense."

"Hey, Boorad, is this guy bothering you?" One of them was a Toad who'd buzzed the sides of his mushroom cap to appear tougher.

"Nah," said Boorad, "he just almost tricked me into dancing with him. What a creep."

Vivian had to resist the urge to cast a Fiery Jinx on herself.

"Ah, it's one of _those_ people." One of Boorad's defenders turned out to be the club's DJ himself – an orange, baritone Yoshi with eyes hidden behind a super edgy black-and-red visor.

Vivian found herself floating slowly backwards. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Somehow, she could tell the Yoshi was giving her a scathing look behind that thing. "A boy is a boy. You can't say you're actually a girl."

Vivian's fists were clenched so hard, she was afraid her nails would tear the gloves. "Well, that's kind of a semantics argument, isn't it? Not everyone's going to agree with your own personal definitions..."

"In that case, I define myself as a Koopa Clown Copter!" The Toad burst out laughing at his own joke.

"T-That's not the same..."

"Thinking you're something that you're not is a mental illness!" cut in the Yoshi. "Why should we encourage the delusions of a crazy person?"

" _What? That's horrid_ _-_ _!_ " The words caught in her throat. What was Vivian supposed to say to _that?_ What combination of words could possibly make these people understand?

They weren't her. They hadn't felt that creeping sense of wrongness as they grew up. They hadn't scratched at their bodies until they bled because they hated them so much. They hadn't felt that _relief_ when you finally dress out, and for the first time, it all goes away, and… you're _you_. They didn't have nightmares where Beldam comes and takes all your girl clothes and forces you to cut your hair. It sounded silly, but damned if it didn't leave Vivian in tears every time she had it.

No. These people could never be made to understand that. There was no point even bothering to try.

Beneath her bangs, Vivian's eyes were trembling. _Nope, nope, don't you dare cry in front of these jerks!_ If Vivian cried in front of them, she was going to hate herself forever. She frantically skimmed the crowd, but Goombella had long ago vanished from sight. Probably drunk out of her mind by now. No one was coming to Vivian's rescue.

"I think you'd better leave the dance floor, pal." Vivian was jilted from her thoughts by Boorad. He'd invaded her personal space again, only this time was considerably less charming. "And don't even think about trying to get those free drinks. I'm warning the bouncer about you."

"O-Okay..." One hex. One hex from Vivian, and these jerks would be running for the hills, but… she couldn't get herself kicked out yet. Not before she found the Crystal Key. Besides, her magic would set off the sprinklers, and then people would be _really_ unhappy with Vivian.

And so Vivian drifted off the dance floor without further argument. She wished she could've drifted off this plane of existence. Countless eyes darted the other way as she passed them.

"Nerrrrrr! Don't worry!" said a random, squarish chameleon as she passed by. "I think traps are really cute, even if liking them does make you gay!"

Vivian buried her face even farther beneath the rim of her hat. As soon as the quest for the Crystal Keys was over with, she was never leaving her bedroom again. Dang it, why was the world so intent on stomping Vivian into the dirt? She'd felt so good about herself after the encounter with Goombich. She thought she _passed!_ Guess it was her fault for trusting the judgment of Goombich, of all people.

But then suddenly, every eye that'd been pretending not to stare at Vivian shot towards the stage. _Huh, what?_ Vivian couldn't help but move her attention to the stage, too, and then plant her purple butt in the chair of the nearest table. She welcomed the distraction, really. From the sheer volume of whistles and catcalls that filled the club, you'd think the heavens were about to open up, not the curtains. Apparently, those apes had finished their musical number, and it was time for the next performer to start.

A spotlight shone upon the center of the curtains… and then came the singing:

" _You had plenty quarters,_

 _Nineteen..._ _eighty-one_."

From behind the curtain, out stepped a single, shapely leg. And then, in one synchronous action, the band kicked in, the curtains flew open, and out stepped a figure that left the audience in silent awe.

" _You went to the arcade._

 _It was... lots of fun_."

That smooth, flawless skin. Those full, round lips. Those legs. That sparkling dress. That perfect figure. True, this woman wasn't skillfully shaded in with watercolors and pastels like Princess Peach, but somehow, the looseness of the hot pink sharpie over her soft, paper body only added to the singer's allure. And true, her voice was a bit huskier than Vivian would've expected, but that only added to her grandeur. One thing was for sure – She was far prettier than Vivian could ever hope to be.

" _Why don't you do riiiiiight,_

 _Like the plumber mehhhhhh-n do?_ "

The singer turned sideways as she strutted, revealing her bare back to the crowd, not a hint of shame on her face.

" _This_ _joystick here_ _-_ "

One of the fans had gotten a bit too close to her stage. A casual kick from her heel sent him flying.

"- _l_ _ets me_ _be play_ _errrrr_ _r two_."

Vivian had to force her jaw shut. What kind of species was this singer? Definitely not a human, that was for sure.

" _Now if you are prepared,_

 _Take m_ _e..._ _to your place._ "

Vivian nearly did a pratfall. The stage jutted out towards the dining area, and the singer was strolling down it… straight towards her!

" _Get ready to receive,_

 _Some egg… on yo' face._ "

At one of the nearest tables, a Koopa Troopa had risen out of his seat. The singer coolly placed a hand over his head and pushed him back down, her singing uninterrupted.

" _Why don't you do r_ _iiiiiii_ _i_ _ght,_

 _Like the plumber me_ _hhhhhh-_ _n do?_ "

The club's owner had helped the singer descend off the stage, and then in one silky movement, the singer slinked behind the owner to massage his shoulders.

" _This_ _joystick here,_

 _Lets me be playerrrrrr two_."

And then the unthinkable happened. The singer took notice of the cowering Vivian and glided towards her. Vivian was far too paralyzed to object. The singer, hand on her hip, met the eyes hiding beneath Vivian's curly pink bangs.

" _This_ _joystick here..._ "

By the time the singer had seated herself on Vivian's lap, her lips moving ever so closer, Vivian's brain had basically turned into noodles.

" _-l_ _ets me_ _be play_ _e_ _r_ _rrrrr_ _two._ "

At the last possible second, the singer grabbed Vivian's hat and playfully shoved it into her face. Vivian hurried to return the hat to its proper place, blushing, only to realize that the singer had used that time to move behind her. And now for the showstopper...

" _Why don't you do ri_ _iiiiiiii_ _ght?_ "

The crowd roared as the singer spread herself across the stage, showing off every last inch of her legs.

" _Like the plumber me_ _hhhhhhhh-_ _n…_ "

And then, in a quick motion, she was leaning towards Vivian again.

" _-_ _dooooooooooo_ _oooooooooooo~~~_ _?_ "

Before Vivian could so much as flinch, the singer had grabbed her by the shoulder and tugged until the two's lips were mere inches apart, all the while holding the final note of the song. Then the singer slinked backwards, taking one last look at Vivian as she strutted off towards center stage. She was still holding the " _oooooo_ " as the curtain fell.

The applause was deafening.

" _Whoo! We love you, Birdo!_ "

" _Anyone who says you're past your prime is a LIAR!_ "

" _I'll see you in Subcon, Birdo, because YOU'RE IN ALL OF MY DREAMS!_ "

The only silence in the entire nightclub emanated from Vivian. Beside herself with shock, she turned back to the dance floor. There were eyes on her again, but for an entirely different reason.

Vivian deemed this a good time to shrink into her Shadow Veil.

Once she was out of sight, Boorad turned back to give his companions a smug smirk. "What a performance! Finally, we got to see a _real_ woman!"

* * *

" _What did you just say to me, you lanky twit? Do I LOOK like a guy in drag to you?_ "

Meanwhile, back at the cola bar, the bartender had gotten himself into a heated argument with a certain turtle.

"Well..."

"I'll have you know I'm the youngest and most beautiful Magikoopa in the entire Koopa clan!" The she-Koopa pushed her triangular glasses up her nose as her wrinkled face contorted with rage. You might not have been able to tell she was a turtle with her telltale shell hidden beneath her purple witch robes.

From the woman's side, a much smaller Koopa muttered, "I'd hate to see the other Magikoopas, then..."

"Alright, alright, I'm-a sorry about that." Finally, the bartender caved in and handed her a glass of uncensored Chuckola Cola. "Some Boo just-a _wah_ -rned me that there's a crossdresser trying to steal-a some free drinks, that's all."

The Magikoopa made an indignant sniff as she accepted her glass.

"Hey, hey, what about me, Kammy?" asked the young Koopa at her knee. He had a tuft of red hair in a ponytail, and around his neck was a bandanna with a design depicting a mouthful of fangs. "Can I get a drink?"

"Oh, please, Junior," Kammy Koopa scoffed, "you're not even old enough to have the parental lock removed on your Switch."

"Phht. Lame." Bowser Jr. folded his papery arms. "I miss the three-dimensional Bowser Jr. He's the only cool person I've ever met..."

"Look, I'm not exactly thrilled to be babysitting you, either!" Kammy pointed an accusing claw at Junior as she took a swig of cola. "I can't believe Lord Bowser didn't invite me to Prism Island… Ever since Mario and his stupid friends beat us at the Palace of Shadow, His Aloofness has totally forgotten I exist!" She took another swig. At this point, it sounded like she was talking more to herself than to Junior. "And now stupid Kamek's stolen my job… _I'd_ like to slap him with a flip-flop… Or better yet, I'd like to slap around those stupid members of Mario's party."

Bowser Jr.'s nonexistent turtle ears pricked up at this. "Mario Party? You mean that thing where we all get together and play a giant board game?"

"No, no, Your Tininess," said Kammy, "I mean 'party' as in a team of adventurers. It's a common RPG trope. But alas, I'm sure Mario has forgotten about his one-time party members by now, just as His Forgetfulness has forgotten about me. We'll probably never see those little twerps ever ag-"

" _Dat's_ … _Dat's Camel Koopa!_ " Kammy was interrupted by a random Goomba chick stumbling up to them, an empty cola glass floating beside her, and attempting to read random entries out of her Tattle Log. " _She's_ _h_ _an evil old snitch who's always helpin' Bow Wow out. Max Eyyy Points is_ _h_ _fitty,_ _Attack is_ _h_ _5, and Defense is_ _h_ _purple. When her cola gets_ _h_ _low, she may also use magic to electrify_ _her invisible… focus._ " She ended up letting her glass shatter on the ground so that she could try and give Kammy a big hug, despite the total futility of that action from an anatomical standpoint. " _Hey, I- I really feel for you, Camel. Havin' to hang out with Bow Wow all the time… You're my bes_ _h_ _t friend. I love you._ "

"Get off of me, you basic frat girl!" Kammy wasted no time pushing the Goomba away. "Wait a minute… You look familiar..."

"Yeah, of course she does," snorted Bowser Jr. "She's a Goomba. We've got a million just like her back at the castle."

"No, that's not in." Kammy rose off of her bar stool and walked over to the girl. "Hey, you!"

" _Hey, Camel Cooties_." The Goomba seemed to be having a hard time standing up straight, and so instead she leaned against a random dude she'd found in the crowd. " _Meet mah new boyfriend. Ishn't he a cutie?_ "

"Ahh, oui, mademoiselle, finally, you 'ave come to appreciate mah charm, no?" Said boyfriend was, apparently, a blue Doogan with a fluffy pink afro and a white disco suit.

"OUT OF THE WAY, FUQBOI!" A quick hex from Kammy's wand sent the Doogan fleeing with his pink hair ablaze (" _Quelle horreur!_ "). Then, Kammy grabbed the Goomba co-ed by the collar. "You wouldn't happen to be a friend of Mario's, would you, my dear?"

At this, the Goomba let out a moan (and a hiccup). " _Mario… The cutesht guy of all… I wish_ _HE_ _wash mah boyfriend…_ _but I got totally friend-zoned..._ "

Kammy snorted. "Sheesh, he saves the princess a couple times, and suddenly every girl in the Mushroom Kingdom wants Mario to plunge their toilets... Wait a minute!" Behind her shiny glasses, Kammy's eyes lit up. "Mario friend-zoned you? Then you _are_ one of his friends!"

"And that means if we kidnap her, Mario will come save her like he always does!" spoke up Bowser Jr.

"Only this time, your father will have weakened him from their showdown on Prism Island!" added Kammy. "He's been acting weird ever since he got painted black. Maybe that magic paint made him super powerful or something? By the time Mario comes to rescue Blondie here, he'll be worn down! Easy pickings!"

"Yeah!" Bowser Jr. did a fist-pump. "Mario may have thwarted the Koopa clan's last five hundred eighty-seven kidnapping attempts, but this time will be different! I can feel it!"

* * *

For the record, Vivian could hear the outside world perfectly clearly from inside her Shadow Veil. "A _real_ woman," Boorad had said. He couldn't resist twisting the knife, could he?

When Vivian reemerged from her Shadow Veil, she was in a different location. Short-range shadow teleportation was one of the perks of being a Shadow Siren. Now she was up on _The Mushy Mushroom's_ balcony. Alone. With the performances going on downstairs, Vivian doubted anyone else would be up here for a while. Good. She didn't think she could stand even one more pair of eyes gawking at her.

Vivian took several quick, involuntary gasps of the city's cool night air. Look, she wasn't a total ditz – Vivian knew she cried way too often, even when you took into account all the new estroplasm flowing inside her shadowy veins. For about the billionth time that day, Vivian wiped her eyes on her glove, sniffling. Beldam was right, Vivian _did_ need to get thicker skin. But it wasn't like Vivian could simply flip a switch inside her brain and make herself stop being upset. It was so unfair…

At this rate, Vivian would never find the Crystal Key, and she'd never reunite with Goombella. Vivian was such a screw-up… She wasn't smart like Goombella or beautiful like Birdo or… or brave like Mario. _Mario_. Even thinking that name made Vivian's heart hurt. She'd give anything to have him be here right now.

"Wahoo! Let's-a go!"

"Wha-?" Vivian impulsively spun towards the sound of that voice. For a wild second, she thought Doopliss had tracked her down somehow, but no… it was a television. A small, heavy television that still had bunny ears like something out of the stone age. Apparently, it'd been left on a nearby table for people to listen to on the balcony.

"That's right, folks, what you're seeing here is live footage taken by our own Lakitodd above Prism Island." Onscreen, the voice of the famous reporter Kylie Koopa spoke over an aerial shot of a massive, floating island connected to the island below by a rainbow bridge. Atop this island was a giant, dark castle shaped like the face of the infamous King Bowser Koopa, and it shook with each blow of the epic battle undoubtedly taking place within its walls. "It would seem Mario is locked in a life-or-death struggle with Bowser to rescue the kidnapped Princess Peach. In other news, high chance of rain this weekend..."

Vivian found herself floating towards the screen. Apparently, the news people had deemed the current battle too boring, and so they'd opted to instead play archival news footage of some of Mario's previous victories against Bowser. There was the time Bowser had fought Mario from his Koopa Clown Copter in Dinosaur Land, the time he'd grown gigantic when he and Mario were only babies, a fight in a, err, giant bathtub filled with green slime, and, of course, the classic "collapsing bridge" fight.

Vivian couldn't help but coo as she watched. Look at him go. It was like she could reach through the screen and touch that mustache. Now they were showing Mario lobbing Bowser into some mines by his tail. What a hero! Well, actually, the part where he called Bowser "gay" seemed uncharacteristically crude of Mario, but Vivian was willing to let that slide. Maybe this was old footage from when Mario was an edgy teenager or something.

Vivian slouched over the table, palms on her cheeks, as she gazed at the screen. Watching Mario in action always made her feel better. But then… _she_ came onscreen.

"You've saved me again, Mario!" came the voice from the TV. "How could I ever thank you…? I know! I'll bake you your own cake!"

And then that- that woman's lips drew towards Mario's nose. Vivian flinched and shut her eyes. She could never _stand_ that part. She'd been feeling better a second ago, but now Vivian's stomach had started churning all over again. She feebly pressed the TV's power button, causing the screen to wink out. Vivian stared at her gloves. She should've told Goombella… told her she knew _exactly_ how Goombella felt. But how could she? Vivian had never voiced those feelings aloud before, even when she was totally alone.

They were stupid feelings, anyways. Everyone knew Princess Peach was Mario's true love. Yes, Princess Peach Toadstool, who was skinny, delicate, conventional, beautiful… Everything Vivian wasn't. Vivian had never been kidnapped in her life, and she couldn't even make toast without burning it. How was she ever supposed to win Mario's heart? Peach… Peach would never have gotten picked on by Boorad and his cronies…

Vivian drifted away from the TV and towards the balcony's only other feature – a lone karaoke machine. Vivian's eyes squeezed shut as she thought of that gorgeous dinosaur woman. Vivian could never hope to be half as alluring as Birdo, but, when she was by herself… she could at least pretend.

With a click, the machine hummed to life. A gentle piano medley filled the air as Vivian began to sing:

" _Player one._

 _No one to play Luigi._

 _All alone,_

 _I walk him to the flagpole._ "

Slowly, Vivian turned around, floating across the balcony with her back to the machine.

" _Without him,_

 _I feel his mustache on me._

 _And when I want to play my NES..._

 _Then he has drawn me._ "

Her eyes squeezed shut.

" _In world two, the brick blocks shine like_ _Sta_ _aaaa_ _rmen_ _._

 _And I think I may make theeeeee assumption,_

 _Down the Warp Pipe, the blocks are full of gold coins._

 _And I can't see why you won't be my Jumpman, oh, my Jumpman!_ "

For a second, Vivian had grown excited, but now she again grew more subdued:

" _And I know... it's only on th_ _eeeee_ _e scre_ _eeeee_ _en._

 _That I'm talking to pixels... and not to him._

 _And although I know that he's not keeeeeeeeeeeen,_

 _Still I say... there's a way for us._ "

She bowed her head, shoulders trembling.

" _Mario._

 _Oh, when the game is over,_

 _He is gone._

 _The_ _plumber's_ _just a_ _plumber_ _._ "

There was a sniffle.

" _I know that,_

 _I can't compete with hiiiiis queeeeeen._

 _If we hooked up, we'd soon break up._

 _I'd end up dumped like Pauline!_ "

But then in an instant, the gentleness was gone, and Vivian was singing at the top of her voice as the music swelled to a crescendo:

" _MARIO!_

 _Now every day I'm learning!_

 _All my liiiiiife,_

 _I have onl_ _yyyyyy_ _y been ga_ _aaaaaaaaa_ _ming!_ "

She spun in place, making a dramatic flourish with her hand.

" _Without me,_

 _His world will go on TURNING!_

 _Revolving round some dumb princess,_

 _Because she bakes him_ _CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE_ _!_ "

The last stores of Vivian's energy had, evidently, gone into that last note. She quickly grew feeble again:

" _Mario..._

 _Mario..."_

And finally, she brought it home in a gentler, prettier voice:

" _Mario..._

 _I'm a_ _aaaa_ _lways pla_ _aaaa_ _y_ _eee_ _er_ _o_ _ne_."

With that, the music faded out, and Vivian took a bow to her audience of none. At least… she thought it was an audience of none. Until she heard the clapping from behind her.


	8. You Don't Have to Go Home

Vivian turned to face her applauder the way a convict turns to face the firing squad. Whoever they were, they had done the unthinkable – They'd heard Vivian's sing. Her regular speaking voice was barely passable as it was, so naturally Vivian's singing voice was indistinguishable from a boy's.

Slowly, Vivian's gaze fell upon her observer. She was a pink reptilian creature, almost like a Yoshi, except her snout was more tube-like with a big, circular opening. The sparkle dress had been ditched – She now wore no clothing save for a red ribbon atop her head and copious amounts of eye-shadow. _No. No, no no._ Of all the people who could've heard Vivian, it had to be the most gorgeous woman in the nightclub?

"Not bad, hun," said Birdo. "A bit more practice and you could be a performer here."

Vivian pulled the rim of her hat even farther over her face. Was Birdo making fun of her…?

"I usually come up here after my performance to be alone. Guess we had the same idea, huh?" And now, as if Vivian wasn't flustered enough, Birdo was walking straight towards her. "Haven't seen you around before."

"I-It's my first time coming here," Vivian managed to stammer out.

Birdo's snout twisted in what Vivian could only hope was her species' way of smiling. "Sorry for singling you out like that during my number. The crowd always goes wild when I go after the pretty ones."

Any hope Vivian had of regaining her composure was rapidly deteriorating.

"I'm actually already dating someone, but he says he doesn't mind me getting flirty onstage. Anywho, wanna grab a drink?" Birdo pointed with her thumb towards the staircase back to the nightclub's interior.

"Oh." Vivian could feel herself slowly dying from the inside out. "I- I don't think I'm supposed to be getting free drinks..." She bowed her head. Surely everyone in the nightclub knew her secret by now, so there was no point even bothering to hide it. "Because I'm- I'm, y'know…" Vivian's voice was little more than a whisper: " _...trans._ "

Genuine surprise crossed Birdo's scaly face. "Who told you that?"

"Oh, it was, err..." Vivian faltered. The lack a horrified reaction had unnerved her. "...B-Boorad. He works here, right? He seemed pretty… certain."

"I see. Follow me, girlfriend."

"Whuh-?" All of a sudden, Birdo took Vivian's hand and practically dragged her down the stairs. Before Vivian had time to protest, the two of them were back at the bar to receive their free cola.

"Hey!" Boorad and his cronies had, apparently, been camped out here, so they were ready to pounce the moment Vivian drew near. "I thought I told you those were for _actual_ girls."

But before Vivian could mutter an impulsive apology, Birdo placed herself between them. "Really? Then what about me?" She batted her eyelashes. "Do I get a free drink?"

Boorad had already been deathly pale, but the sudden emergence of a gorgeous woman left him downright transparent. "O-Oh course you do, Birdo!"

"Oh?" Birdo cocked her head. "So then you _are_ fine with trans women drinking free?"

"What are you talking about?" blurted out Boorad's Toad friend. "You can't possibly mean that you're-?"

"What, a tranny?" Birdo intentionally twisted her head back, revealing the unmistakable outline of an Adam's apple. "Guess you're not as good at spotting us as you thought you were, Hun T."

The Boo, Yoshi, and Toad all jolted backwards. Even Vivian couldn't help but gape.

"No way!" yelled the Yoshi. " _You_ tricked us, too?"

"But- But you're so hot!" stammered Hun T.

"Mmm. 'Tricked.' Keep tellin' yourself that, hun." Birdo's snout closed to form a thin line, which Vivian was pretty sure was her species' way of smirking. "Gee, I guess now if you want to hit on random women, you'll have to take the risk that you might not like everything about them. Poor you."

" _Bouncer! Hey, bouncer, there's some freaks over here trying to steal the free drinks!_ " At the sound of Boorad's frantic calls, the bouncer walked his way towards the commotion, shaking the ground with every step. Vivian swallowed in spite of herself.

The bouncer leaned down until he was face-to-face with everyone, tasted the air with his forked tongue, then asked in a gravely voice, "Are these guys botherin' you, Miss Birdetta?"

" _W-What?_ " Boorad yelped. " _I_ called you over-"

"Yeah, K. Ool, they're being jerks." Birdo nodded to the Kremling. "Be a dear and throw 'em out, would you?"

Without another word, K. Ool heaved the troublemakers over his shoulder the way a garbageman heaves trash bags.

" _Hey, wait a minute!_ " Boorad squeaked. " _You can't kick me out! I work here!_ "

"You're fired for bothering our top performer," K. Ool replied without skipping a beat. "And for bein' a jerk to people in general. We've been gettin' all kinds o' complaints 'bout you."

" _You can't do that to me!_ " Boorad continued to scream as K. Ool carried him and his buddies out the door. "WE'RE GONNA TROLL YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS _SO_ HARD, YOU FAT UGLY AUTISTIC GAY SOOOOOOOCIAL JUUUUUUUUUSTICE WAAAAAAAAAARIORS!"

And with that, K. Ool flung the trio outside and slammed the door shut behind them.

"Huh." Vivian stared in their direction for a while after the three had vanished from sight. They were so different from Goombich, and yet… so similar.

"Sorry about that, sweetie." Birdo placed a comforting hand on Vivian's shoulder. "Been meaning to throw those jerks out for a while now. They've been picking on basically everyone."

"T-Thank you!" A genuine smile snuck its way onto Vivian's face. "That was so cool! I never would've guessed- I mean, I've never met another trans woman before."

"Hey, c'mon, now, you know I've always got my sisters' backs." Birdo gave her a nudge and a wink. "Oh yeah, I never got your name."

"Vivian." As she spoke, Vivian received her free cola from the bartender. "And I heard people calling you Birdo..."

"I prefer 'Birdetta,' actually."

"Well, nice to meet you, Birdetta." Vivian took a sip of her uncensored cola… and had to fight the urge to spit it back out. Vivian tried to laugh, but somehow the action left her feeling _more_ depressed.

"What's wrong, hun?" Birdetta had, apparently, caught Vivian gazing morosely into her beverage.

"How do you do it?" Vivian asked softly.

Birdetta blinked. "Do what?"

Vivian gestured to the spot where Boorad and his cronies had resided a minute ago. "Not let them bother you?"

"Oh. That." Another smile crossed the dinosaur's snout. "It comes with time, sweetie. I transitioned thirty years ago – I've been called every bad word under the sun. I'm used to it." Her face soured. "Besides, people like Boorad are usually just trolls. They think getting under your skin is funny, and I hate giving them the satisfaction."

Vivian nodded. Beldam had been horribly rude about it, but she hadn't been wrong – Vivian _did_ need to get thicker skin. She couldn't keep leaving herself vulnerable to creeps like Boorad who weren't even worth the time of day. It wasn't like thicker skin was going to develop overnight, but Vivian would get there eventually.

Vivian tried to laugh again. This time left her feeling happier. A little bit, at least. "Well, I'm glad I ran into you, Birdetta. You've made my day a lot better. I mean that."

"Same to you, dear." Birdetta joined in the laughter. "Fate's a crazy thing, isn't it? If you'd come here a day earlier, I'd still be performing on Prism Island."

"Prism Island?" Vivian's heart did a Flutter Jump. "Did you run into Mario?"

"Oh, him? Yeah, he caught my last performance. Why?" Birdetta's eyebrows wiggled knowingly.

"Y-You heard my song," said Vivian, blushing. "I just want to make sure he's okay. The news said he's fighting Bowser right now."

Birdetta patted her shoulder. "Mario's a tough cookie. I'm sure he's fine."

Vivian knew she was right. Mario was a hardened hero on a quest to save Prism Island… and, come to think of it, Vivian had a quest of her own. "Oh, Birdetta, my friend and I are looking for mystical artifacts called the Crystal Keys. There's supposed to be one in this nightclub. You haven't seen anything like that, have you?"

Birdetta shook her head, causing her snout to jiggle. "Sorry, hun. But if I do, you'll be the first to know."

"Thanks." Well, it'd been worth a shot.

"By the way," said Birdetta, "who's that friend you mentioned? It looked like you were all alone when I found you."

"Oh, it's an archaeology student. She's a-"

" _WORTHLESS GOOMBA!_ "

Suddenly, the nightclub was filled with the shrill shrieks of a decrepit old woman. Vivian and Birdetta spun their heads to find a pair of Koopas pushing their way past the bouncer, back into the club.

"Just our luck that you'd have some weird curse on you that keeps you from leaving," the wrinkled Magikoopa hag was grumbling. "Now if we want to keep you hostage, we're confined to this dingy old nightclub!"

Vivian couldn't believe her perpetually-hidden eyes. That hag was Kammy Koopa, Bowser's right-hand woman, and standing right next to her was a little snot who could only be the infamous Koopa prince, Bowser Jr. But the sight that alarmed Vivian worst of all was the magic bubble floating over Kammy's shoulder. A bubble that held a certain unconscious Goomba co-ed.

" _Goombella!_ " Vivian's brain was on autopilot. She jumped out of her seat and placed herself before the Koopas, her hands crackling with readied magic. "Let her go!"

"Well, well, well, if it isn't another one of Mario's fangirls." Kammy let out a cackle, readying her wand for some magic of her own. "The only reason some butterfaced amateur witch like you got the best of Lord Bowser and me last time is because your party ganged up on us! But it looks like you're all alone this time. What a pity."

Vivian fought the urge to dig out her purse's compact mirror and check her face. Her fists tightened. Kammy was right. Their last fight had been a close one even when Vivian had a full party of eight (or seven if you didn't recruit Ms. Mowz in your playthrough).

" _No she isn't!_ "

Vivian flinched at the sound of a voice behind her. She spun around to find a certain pink dinosaur at her side.

Birdetta shot Vivian a wink. "Like I said, I've always got my sisters' backs."

 _ **Birdetta joined your party!**_

"A-Are you sure?" Vivian frowned at her. "I know Mario makes it look like a pushover, but the Koopa clan is actually very dangerous..."

"Trust me, hun, I can hold my own in a fight."

And with that, the world around them transformed into a stage. Vivian and Birdetta stood at stage right while Kammy and Bowser Jr. took stage left, with the bubbled Goombella hovering behind them. The stage's scenery was painted to look like the nightclub's interior, and the audience was packed to the brim with cheering clubgoers.

"Phht, you think one of _Wart's_ rejected minions can take us?" Kammy started the fight by hopping onto her trademark broomstick, and Bowser Jr did likewise with his Junior Clown Car (both of which appeared out of hammerspace, naturally).

"I won't let you hurt my friends!" Vivian popped out of Kammy's shadow to smack her with a Shade Fist, knocking the old hag onto her butt and causing her broomstick to fade away back into hammerspace. The attack had done five damage and left Kammy with a burn, but without Goombella's Tattle ability, Vivian had no way of knowing Kammy's total HP. It was unnerving, not knowing if their attacks were doing massive damage or merely adding another drop to the bucket.

"Let's gang up on the hag, hun!" Next Birdetta used her Egg Shoot move, firing a barrage out her snout to deal another five damage to Kammy. Vivian thought it best not to dwell on the biological implications of oral egg-laying. "If we can take her out fast, we'll only have a little kid to deal with."

"Hey, who you calling little?" Junior snapped.

"She's got a point, Your Littleness." Kammy raised her wand. "But it's nothing I can't fix..." Magic sparkles in the odd shape of Playstation buttons erupted from it and flew towards Bowser Jr. The Koopa prince roared as his paper body stretched and morphed, leaving him the size of his dad. The Clown Car had to magically grow to accommodate his hot new bod. Kammy took burn damage at the end of her turn, but it was a small consolation.

"Yeah! Now we're talking!" The new-and-improved Bowser Jr. let loose a barrage of fireballs. Not only were they big enough to hit both Vivian and Birdetta at once, but they were obnoxiously fast, making them nigh impossible to Superguard against.

" _Aaaaagh-!_ " The girls were knocked across the stage to the horrified gasps of the crowd. They each took a whopping seven HP of damage apiece, and they were left with some nasty burns to boot.

Vivian frantically tried to stamp out the tongue of flame slowly eating away at her paper body, but to no avail. Dang it, _she_ was supposed to be the pyromancer here!

"At this rate, we'll lose through attrition!" Vivian flipped through her party's Items menu, but there was nothing in there but some uncensored cola and a Dried Shroom. "There has to be a way to deal more damage to them." She thought back to the Goombich fight… and then it hit her. "Wait, that's it!"

This time, Vivian aimed her Shade Fist at a new target – the bubble. Vivian emerged from the bubble's shadow, elongating her tendril so that she was tall enough to give the bubble a good whack. It popped instantly, sending the Goomba within tumbling down to the stage.

"Goombella!" Vivian was at her friend's side in a heartbeat.

" _Viv…?_ _Ugh..._ " Goombella allowed herself to be cradled in Vivian's arms. "My head is killing me… which is basically, like, my entire body."

"Are you hurt?"

"I'm okay. I..." The memories seemed to flood back to her all at once. "I'm so sorry, Vivian! I should never have wigged out and ditched you like that!"

Vivian managed a reassuring smile. "It's okay, Goombella, I understand. But let's worry about that later. Do you still have the Crystal Key?"

"Yeah, it's right here." Goombella telekinetically retrieved it from the secret storage place within her undershirt. "Why?"

Vivian grabbed the key – It technically wasn't snatching if the other person had no hands. "If we want to beat these Koopas, we need to use its power."

("Hurry up over there!" called out Kammy from across the stage. "I know this is a turn-based RPG, but this is getting ridiculous!")

"That's a great idea," Goombella nodded, "but I've been researching the keys in my spare time, and from what I've read, the Diamond Key can only turn you into Megasparkle mode if you fuse your energy with a bunch of people who all have one major thing in common with you, like how Goombich's cronies were all Goombas."

"Oh." Well, that was no good. Vivian's party consisted of a Goomba, and shadow-person, and… Well, Vivian was too polite to ask, but she assumed Birdetta was some kind of mutant Yoshi thing. "But what do _I_ have in common with anyone else…?"

Vivian was such a weirdo. Where exactly was she supposed to find another living shadow or fire witch or- or demon on such short notice? Her head drooped. This battle was hopeless. The victory against Goombich had been a fluke. Without Mario here, Vivian was nothing.

"HEY, ARE THERE ANY TRANS GIRLS OUT THERE WHO WANNA HELP US FIGHT?"

Vivian flinched at the sound of Birdetta's somewhat-husky voice washing over the audience. "Birdetta? What are you-?" But what surprised Vivian even more was the number of hands that went up.

"Sure, I love a good fight!" One of them was a human woman sporting long purple hair, a cap wrapped in a chain link, and an impressively-tight tank top and Daisy Dukes combo.

"Um, I got censored in the English version." Another beautiful human woman sheepishly raised her hand. She had brunette hair, sunglasses, and a tight black shirt, and she carried a paper bag containing both groceries and a couple Poké Balls. "Can I still participate?"

"Yeah, of course, don't worry, happens to all of us, hun." Birdetta nodded in approval. "I mean, I don't think Nintendo even _knows_ what gender _I'm_ supposed to be anymore."

There was an assortment of cries and cheers from the crowd.

"Yeah! Go trans people!"

"I'm really glad I'm in a society where I won't get stoned to death for this! That's pretty cool!"

"This is way more fun than filling test tubes in some dead-end lab back home! Have I mentioned yet that I AM TRANSGENDER?"

Birdetta turned back to Vivian excitedly. "Hear that, Vivian? With the power of trannies, we can win this fight!"

"Wow," said Vivian, "that might actually be cheesy enough to work."

Birdetta turned back to the evil Koopas, taking the Diamond Key from Vivian so she could hoist it above her head. "And now for my turn, I use the power of this Crystal Key thingamabob..." As she spoke, the key emitted a blinding light. "...to INITIATE MEGASPARKLE SUPER STICKER KAWAII SHINE GET CHIBI MOE QUEER MODE DESU!"

When the light died down, the small army of trans people had vanished, and in its place was a massive, sparkling pink dinosaur that dwarfed even the enlarged Bowser Jr. in size.

"I-I don't believe it!" Kammy stammered as she and Junior took a tentative step backwards. "In all my years, I never thought I'd see the legendary _Megasparkle Birdo!_ "

"Aww man!" groaned Junior. "I really thought kidnapping attempt number five hundred eighty-eight was gonna work!"

 _Wham_. One hit from the gigantic megasparkle egg that erupted from Birdetta's mouth was enough to launch both Koopas off the stage. They were blasted through the wall of _The Mushy Mushroom_ and sent sailing into the night sky until they were nothing but a speck on the horizon.

* * *

In a nondescript forest a couple miles from the nightclub, there lay a perfectly round hole burrowed out of the dirt. And from this hole, there emerged a soft, chubby critter wearing blue fur and a blissful smile.

"Gosh, what a beautiful night! The moon is full, the fireflies are out… It's nights like these that make me happy to be a Whacka!"

 _Kaboom_. Where the hole had been a moment ago, now there was a massive crater. And lying at the center of this crater was an incredibly dented Clown Car and two even more dented Koopas.

" _Uggggggghhhh..._ " It took all of Kammy's strength to pull herself out of the wreckage. "Curse those wretched friends of Mario! I swear, someday the Koopa clan shall have its revenge upon- Hey, cool, a free Whacka Bump!"

* * *

With the battle over, the stage vanished, and Vivian, Goombella, and Birdetta were transported back to the nightclub's regular interior, with Birdetta back at her proper size. The audience had vanished, too, back to wherever they went between battles.

"Yeah! We did it!" Vivian and Birdetta traded a high-five while Goombella looked on in barely disguised jealousy.

Birdetta's snout had curved into what Vivian was now certain was a smile. "Like I told you, hun, we always have our sisters' backs. Whatever it is you're going through, you're not alone."

"I..." Vivian wiped her eyes. Don't worry, they were happy tears this time. "I've got your back, too."

"Man, my head's still pounding..." Another downside of being limbless was that Goombella couldn't rub her temples. "This whole night feels like a blur… Hey, Vivian?" Vivian glanced over at the sound of her name. "I didn't say anything… _weird_ while I was under the influence of the cola, did I?"

There was a brief silence.

"Of course not," said Vivian.

"Phew! That's a load off my nonexistent shoulders!" Goombella smiled and turned back away. The instant the Goomba was out of sight, Vivian wiped sweat from her brow. She was taking this to her grave.

With that taken care of, Vivian returned her attention to the pink dinosaur in the room. "Thank you again for all your help, Birdetta. I don't know what we'd have done without you."

"Aw, it's no problem, sweetheart." Birdetta managed to sound both modest and totally self-absorbed at the same time. She kind of reminded Vivian of Madame Flurry, only with a considerably smaller stage presence. "Well, I'd better get back to work now, but let me know if there's anything else you need."

Vivian nodded. It looked like things had worked out more or less perfectly in the end. Everything, that is, except for one particularly important thing – They were still short one Crystal Key.

"I'm back, baby doll!" Just then, a stranger burst through the front door of _The Mushy Mushroom_.

" _Sweet bean!_ " Birdetta practically tripped over herself in her rush to the front door. You could see the cartoon hearts throbbing in her eyes. "I missed you so much!" She immediately trapped the man in a bone-crushing hug.

"Huh? Who's this?" Goombella wandered over, followed by Vivian.

Birdetta turned back to them. "Guys, this is my boyfriend!"

"Pleased to meet you, see?" Said boyfriend was, apparently, a lanky Beanish wearing a striped shirt and pants about two sizes too big. "The name's Popple, hear? Popple the Shadow Th- err, Shadow Law-Abiding Citizen."

"Isn't he the dreamiest?" As she spoke, Birdetta felt up Popple's bean-like shoulders.

"Uh, sure, Birdetta." Goombella leaned in towards Vivian and muttered, "Well, there's no accounting for taste..."

"We broke up before, but now our relationship is stronger than ever," Birdetta continued. "Our love has been forged in flames!"

"That's right, Birdie, my sweet." Popple flashed a smile that was a little too wide for Vivian's liking. "And look, I even brought you a present, see?" He reached into his oversized pockets to retrieve it.

"Oh, Popple, it's beautiful!" The hearts in Birdetta's eyes has been replaced with stars. But she wasn't the only one gaping in awe at the present – Vivian's and Goombella's jaws has hit the floor.

"Birdetta," Goombella stammered out, "that's a Crystal Key!" It was the Emerald Key, to be exact, and it was every bit as sparkly and majestic as the Diamond One.

"Where did you get that?" asked Vivian.

"I..." Popple's beady yellow eyes met the ceiling. "...happened to find it lying around."

"Well, here you go." Birdetta retrieved the key from her boyfriend and handed it to Vivian. "If it's important to you, it's yours."

"Alright!" Vivian traded grins with Goombella, and then she accepted the second Crystal Key. As per tradition, she hoisted it triumphantly above her head.

 _ **You got a Crystal Key!**_

 **END OF-**

" _AGH!_ " And then Vivian, Goombella, and Birdetta were sucked into a magical portal of darkness out of nowhere.

 **-** **CHAPTER**

Several minutes passed in silence as Popple looked around the nightclub, blinking. "Uhhh… Right. I'll just… I'll just hang out here by myself, then."


	9. Inner Space, Outer Space

Thus the attempted kidnapping of Goombella was foiled by Vivian and her new friend Birdetta. The Koopa clan wouldn't be bothering them again any time soon. However, when Vivian grabbed the Crystal Key, the curse ended up dragging Birdetta back to the Palace of Shadow, too! What will become of her?

And what about the other groups after the Crystal Keys, namely the dastardly X-Nauts and the lovely Rosalina? There's an inevitable confrontation on the horizon...

* * *

On the campus of armless, chestnut/mushroom people, the space princess and living doll-man were apparently considered weirdos. It was so strange for passerby to be stealing glances at Rosalina's _arms_ for once.

Rosalina and *$!? were making their way down the halls of the University of Goom's history wing. After walking halfway across campus, though, they ended up stopping to rest at a bench beneath a sign reading "History of the Our People" with a picture of an ancient 8-bit Goomba.

"I'm sure the Crystal Key is around here somewhere, my lady," said *$!?. "Multiple students have all reported seeing a Goomba wearing it as a necklace."

Rosalina shook her head. "There are thousands of Goombas on this campus. It's like navigating planets without a star map. The chance of stumbling across the right one is astronomically-"

" _She stole my key_ _necklace_ _! She stole my key_ _necklace_ _!_ "

Suddenly, the entire hallway was filled with a rising wail. Rosalina and *$!? traded disbelieving glances before following it to its source. What they discovered was a pink-haired, glasses-wearing Goomba student hugging a green-haired, glasses-wearing Goomba professor whilst sobbing hysterically.

"Shh, it's alright, Goombich, it's alright," murmured the professor.

"That purple witch came up to me and snatched it for no reason!" Goombich let out a deafening sniffle. "It was a HUGE microaggression! I'm literally shaking right now."

"There, there." The professor nuzzled Goombich's side. "Instead of taking our final exam, you can spend the class period in my office. There's a plate of cookies waiting for you, and I've got twenty tabs of puppy videos pulled up on the computer. I'll just give you an A."

"Thank you, Professor Moonmoss!"

Right before waddling off to the office, Goombich was stopped by a curious Rosalina.

"Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear," she said. "I'm so sorry your necklace was stolen. By any chance, did you see what the thief looked like or which way she went?"

"Oh, she was a purple ghost girl with a stupid hat." The recollection, evidently, caused Goombich to go from heartbroken to bitter in the blink of an eye. "She ran off too fast for me to follow her."

"A purple ghost?" Rosalina turned to confer with *$!?. "That sounds like a minion of the Shadow Queen – a being of pure dark matter."

"By the stars!" *$!? gasped. "We have to stop her!"

"I agree." Rosalina turned back to Goombich. "Ma'am? My friend and I are on a quest to vanquish the very same evil who stole your Crystal Key. Once we've defeated this purple demon, we promise to return your stolen-"

"WHAT did you just call me?" Of that statement, Goombich had heard only one word.

Rosalina stumbled back, startled. The last thing she'd wanted to do was offend someone. It may have been a long time since she'd lived in a castle, but she still remembered her royal manners. "I- I appologize, sir."

This only made Goombich squeal even louder. " _I'll have you know_ _I am CAELGENDER, which is a gender of OUTER SPACE and THE STARS that is FAR BEYOND EARTHLY COMPREHENSION!_ "

"Really? That's fascinating!" Rosalina said earnestly. "I've traveled the stars for centuries, and I've never heard of such a-"

" _IT'S NOT MY JOB TO EDUCATE YOU!_ " Goombich stomped the ground to emphasize the point. "You just implied there are only two genders, when there are actually sixty-three trillion four hundred eighty-two billion nine hundred sixty-four million one hundred fifty-seven thousand nine hundred twenty-two! Your attitude is transphobic, misogynist, trans misogynist, racistogynist, trans racistogyphobicnist and- and- uh..." The tirade faltered for a moment.

Off to the side, one of Goombich's friends, a somewhat skinny Goomba guy with a baggy t-shirt and unusually high voice, offered, "Trans misandrist?"

Goombich looked at him like he was speaking in tongues. " _W_ _hat?_ "

"T-Trans misandrist." The Goomba guy shrank under Goombich's glare. "You called her transphobic, which means she hates _all_ trans people, right? Not just transwomen-"

"That's not a real thing!" Goombich snapped. "You can't make up stupid words to describe whatever you want! And it's 'trans women,' not 'transwomen!' Saying it as all one word implies it's a different and lesser form of women, whereas saying it as two words doesn't imply that at all, SO IF YOU FORGET THE SPACE YOU'RE BASICALLY A MONSTER!"

"B-But I said it out loud. How could you even tell-?"

"YOU DIDN'T PAUSE FOR AN ADEQUATE LENGTH OF TIME BETWEEN SYLLABLES! NOW GO FLOG YOURSELF UNTIL YOU LEARN TO BE A PROPER ALLY!"

"Yes, Goombich..." The guy slinked off.

There was a moment of silence.

"Goodness," said Rosalina.

This caused Goombich's attention to return to her. "And what's with your outfit, anyway? A dress? Seriously? Don't you realize those are constructs of a heteronormative patriarchy designed to objectify and oppress you?"

Rosalina looked at her turquoise gown. "I wove this dress myself while I was living in outer space lightyears away from civilization."

"INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY! INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY!" Goombich ran off down the hallway, shrieking.

As the Goomba rounded the corner, Rosalina turned to give *$!? a sour look. "You know, I used to _regret_ only visiting this planet once a century."

* * *

Space. The final frontier. Well, except for alternate dimensions, since multiverse travel was developed _after_ space travel. So really, space is more like the penultimate frontier. The point is, it was very large and formidable. But outer space also had an unquestionable beauty to it. From up here, the planet below looked like a swirling disk of clouds and water and grass and mountains – plus the unfathomably massive glob of butterscotch pudding that comprised the terrain of the Pudding Continent and the scrumptiously boundless slice of cherry strudel that did likewise for the Strudel Continent.

But we're not focusing on the planet right now. No, we're focusing our attention on the moon that orbited it. The moon was barren, yellow, and dead silent – As you probably know, sound can't travel in space, except of course for the sound of Crump and Grodus screaming as they gave the moon a new crater.

"Uhhh..." Lord Crump dragged himself out of the crater and dusted himself off. "We did it! We're alive!"

"It's a good thing I had enough money left over from my _Grodus Chronicles_ check to pay those Bob-ombs to blast us here," said Sir Grodus's disembodied head. Then he said, "OW! THAT SMARTS!" because the Bob-ombs had also fired his little red wagon after them, and it'd taken a second to land.

"Now then, sir, let's see what state our moon base is in." Crump loaded Grodus's head onto the wagon, and without further ado, he pulled his master over the bumpy terrain, towards a domed structure looming over the horizon.

"Try to walk a bit faster, would you?" Grodus gave a weary glance over the side of his ride. "I think that lunar rover over there is giving me bedroom eyes..."

The next few minutes passed in silence, save for the squeak of the wagon's wheels.

"Man, it's lucky our moonbase remained intact after all those explosions that traitorous AI caused." Behind his goggles, Crump's brow creased. "Strange that the Crystal Stars' magic would cause the base to reform… Super convenient for people who like to backtrack, though." As he spoke, Crump dug something out of his pockets. "And once we're back home, we'll be able to use the X-Naut's advanced technology to put _this_ to good use..." He held it up for Grodus to see.

In Crump's gloved hand was a glimmering, golden key shaped from crystal.

"Ha! At this rate we'll have all the Crystal Keys in no time!" said Grodus. "Who'd have thought I'd find one in the belly of that Chain Chomp from earlier?"

"It must be fate, my lord. Proof of your greatness."

"I like that answer!"

The two of them shared a deep, hearty evil laugh:

"Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh!"

"GAAACK ACK ACK ACK ACK!"

* * *

Vivian groaned as she peeled her face off the carpet. Once it was freed, she took a good look at her surroundings and realized they'd landed back in the palace room with the portrait of the nightclub. In fact, Vivian's look was a little _too_ good. With a jolt, she realized that her hair hadn't fallen over her eyes, which of course had to be immediately corrected.

Vivian was just letting out a sigh of relief when she spotted a certain pink prehistoric reptile standing beside her, glancing around in alarm. "Vivian? Where are we? What happened?"

" _Birdetta!_ " Vivian ran – floated, whatever – over to her. "Oh no! You must've gotten sucked into the return portal by accident!"

Birdetta didn't look particularly enlightened. "Return portal?"

"It's a long story," spoke up Goombella, who was busy putting her helmet and jacket back on. "Basically, Vivian and I were exploring the Palace of Shadow beneath Rogueport when we got trapped in here by this really, really big, stupid, ugly-"

"-door, which got sealed shut by an incredibly intelligent and handsome ghost," cut in a voice.

The trio yelped and shot their heads skyward. Floating by the rafters was a withered, blackened used tissue with a voice Vivian was learning to dread.

"Yeah, about your pal Barney the Dragqueensaur there." The Black Ghost nodded to a glowering Birdetta. "I kinda forgot to mention this when I was layin' out the ground rules of our little arrangement – a hundred percent my fault – but anyone who explicitly helps you collect the Crystal Keys gets subject to the same curse as you clowns."

"Oh, that is so not fair!" Goombella yelled up at him.

"I know. I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight." The Black Ghost didn't bother hiding his laughter as he vanished from sight.

The moment he was gone, Vivian turned to give Birdetta a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Birdetta! This is all my fault! I never should have dragged you into this!"

"It's alright, hun, it's alright." Birdetta gave Vivian's pink hair a reassuring stroke. "I've been on my share of adventures. It's nothing I can't handle."

"If you're sure..."

But Vivian didn't have long to dwell on this before the room was filled with a brilliant white glow. It faded after a moment, revealing that the portrait of _The Mushy Mushroom_ was gone. In its place was yet another picture of a beautiful, pink-haired human girl. Only this time, the princess was clearly older, probably in her late teens. She was still beautiful, but in a gaunt kind of way. Her eyes had grown dull and sunken, and her hair had gone from curly to scraggly. Vivian assumed her adult front teeth had grown in by now, but this couldn't be confirmed, as the princess's mouth was locked in a tight frown.

"Geez, she's seen better days," said Goombella.

Vivian didn't hear her. She was too busy staring at the poor woman in the portrait. Without thinking, Vivian touched a gloved hand to the canvas – which, as before, caused their surroundings to spin and distort in a whirlwind of magic. The withered construction paper of the palace walls became shiny and clean, but this time, there wasn't an overabundance of sunlight. Vivian looked out the window to confirm it was overcast.

"Okay." A dazed Birdetta stuck her incorporeal hand through a desk. "Now I _really_ don't know what's going on."

"We'll explain later," Goombella said quickly. "This is some kinda flashback, and it's probably super important, so we need to be quiet and pay attention until it's over."

"Um, alright, then..."

This time, the flashback magic had brought them to what was undoubtedly the princess's bed chambers. She had one of those super fancy beds with the curtain around it, but right now the princess was seated at an ornate desk nearby. She was hunched over a heavy-looking tome, squinting in the light of a candle that trembled in her hand. Vivian inhaled sharply at the sight of her. That portrait hadn't captured just _how_ gaunt and feeble the princess was.

The door opened, and another girl stuck her head in the room. "Excuse me, um, Your Highness, but the other girls and me wanted to know if you could come hang out with us and stuff? There's a huge party going on at the beach right now-"

"I have to study," the princess said, her eyes fixed on the page. "Don't interrupt unless it's important."

"I understand..." The door shut back, and the princess continued her studies in silence, as if nothing had happened.

"I _knew_ those parents were going to ruin her!" Goombella would've shaken her fist if she'd had one, but then the door reopened, and Vivian hurriedly shushed her.

Into the room stepped a Toad servant carrying a tray of food. "My lady?" Her voice was soft as velvet and twice as pretty. "I brought you your supper. It's Shroom Roast with Jammin' Jelly. Your favorite." Strands of brunette hair poked out from underneath a white mushroom cap with orange spots. The Toad was exceptionally cute – not to mention quite tall for her species – but something about her seemed boyish. Vivian couldn't put her finger on it, but somehow the Toad didn't seem totally at home in her gothic maid uniform.

"I'm not hungry, Bolete." The princess didn't spare the meal a glance.

Bolete stood her ground. "With all due respect, ma'am, the king ordered you to eat."

"Oh, well, if _the king_ ordered it..." Vivian hadn't realized it was possible to eat food sarcastically, but by golly, the princess managed it.

"The king is worried about you, Your Highness."

"Really? That's unlike him," the princess said dryly enough to wither the bite of mushroom on its way to her mouth. "Is he feeling alright?" She gave the maid a look. "Don't tell me he asked you to say that just so I'd feel sorry for him?"

Bolete went pink. "W-Well, he didn't ask me to say it in so many words, but, err, I can tell he's concerned for your well-being." She paused, then added, "We all are."

The princess raised an eyebrow. "I was under the impression the rest of the staff had forgotten I existed. Are you sure it's not just _you_ who's concerned for my well-being?"

Bolete's pinkness had become full-blown crimson. "I-I admit I have been fretting over you an awful lot lately, m-ma'am. I suppose I simply hate the thought of you withering away to nothing and tarnishing your unmatched beauty." When it dawned on her exactly what had come out of her mouth, Bolete put a hand over it.

Now the princess was giving her an even stranger look. "Hmm. Well, you're certainly less dull than the other servants. I wish you could stay and… fret over me a bit longer, but I _do_ need to finish memorizing this incantation. For the good of the kingdom and all that."

"O-Of course, my lady." Bolete made her way to the exit.

But on her way out, Bolete spotted something. Her unusual height for a Toad allowed her to see things all the way on the top shelf. "Huh? What is this? It's beautiful! I never noticed before." The object of her admiration was covered in dust and hidden beneath some half-opened books, but it was nevertheless entrancing.

The princess abruptly lost her place on the page. "Oh. That. It's supposed to be a music box, but it won't play anymore." She stared at her desk. "My mom was the only one who knew how to fix it."

Bolete opened her mouth… and then the room spun around, and the trio was back in the older, mustier version of the room. Vivian almost cried out in shock – She'd forgotten the outside world existed for a minute.

"Whoa! So this place is supposed to be a bedroom?" Goombella waddled over to where the fancy bed had been a second ago. There was nothing there now but a moth-eaten mattress.

"Well, that was fascinating and all," said Birdetta, "but if someone could catch me up on what the heck is going on here…?"

"Oh, right, sorry, Birdetta." Goombella turned back to her. "First off, that girl seems to be the forgotten princess of the ancient sea town before it got dragged into the earth."

"Right." Vivian nodded. "And we need to collect more Crystal Keys so we can learn what happened to her."

Goombella laughed. "And, y'know, to break the curse and escape the palace and stuff."

"Right, right." Vivian's gaze wandered back to the portrait. "That too."


End file.
